Thank you all for your kind words. Someone used the word "anguish" and that fits this feeling perfectly. It's not a feeling I'd ever experienced before. I don't like it! I'm trying to stay calm and let things play out as they will. The hospice nurse told me today I really should not be in there any longer when they change all the bandages. I guess the one tumor on his neck has opened completely to the point you can see into his throat. It's crazy what the human body can take. I worry about these awful images haunting me later. I also worry about the decision to stop feeding him. I knew his wishes to a point but it was still me telling them to stop. He's gone 21 days today. Unbelievable. They all told me he would go before he died of starvation. I do not think that will be the case. I think starvation will be the cause of death. The cancer has grown so much in three weeks that I am sort of glad he's closer to death from the lack of food. That sounds awful but how long could he go if I had been feeding him? My kids are yelling I better go. Thanks again for your replies.
Sincerely,
Tamara