Hello,
I've posted a number of times regarding my husband Kyle. He's 43 and has been on his death bed for a couple weeks now. I've dealt with everything fairly well until these past few days. The more time he hangs in there the more it breaks my heart. To see how strong he is and his will to survive in such a hopeless situation just breaks my heart. The hospice nurses told us for over a month it will be any day now, any day now. She finally apologized and said she isn't going to say anything anymore. He's breaking all the rules. He is on 24 hour nursing care. He has not had any Jevity feedings in 20 days (these were his wishes when he reached this point), he's been taking 5 breaths a minute for 4 days now, his heart is still going strong, etc.. He has 7 tumors on his neck and 1 on his chest. Who knows how many are inside his mouth. The odor gets overwhelming at times. I feel bad when I lean in to kiss his head or whisper in his ear and the smell gags me. I even feel bad writing this now. I love him and it's so unbearable to watch him suffer. I sit with him for awhile and then I have to come downstairs to see my kids or just get away. I know the odds are high he will pass away with me not in the room. I know it's selfish but I just can't stay in there all day any longer. His family has sort of checked out (they hardly checked in in the help department ever!)and only come by every 3-4 days now to visit for an hour or so. I wondered through the house yesterday looking for something, picking up my phone and putting it down. I finally figured out what I was doing. I was searching for Kyle so I could talk to him about how awful I was feeling. He's been my bestfriend for 18 years and he's who I always went to when I needed to talk. He's now the one I need to talk about and he's no longer there to talk to. This is going to be a terrible year missing him. Thank you for listening.
Tamara