Robin and i do not live together on a daily basis.I live in yorkshire where all my family are,and Robin lives in Hampshire where his work is .Every two or three weeks we take turns to travel the 250 miles.The reasons for this are many and varied but we have been together for 15 years and married for twelve and on the whole it works for us.One day in November i woke up in the middle of the night and knew that he needed me.He had been telling me about this huge lump that had suddenly appeared on his neck,and i knew from his voice that he was worried.I had also seen the ulcer on his tongue and felt that it was a possible cause for concern.At 4.00am i got dressed packed my things and drove down to Hampshire to go to see our GP with him.As you all know,i never returned to Yorkshire and i think those of you who have folowed Robins progress know it has been a bumpy ride.!!!During the past four months i been here alone with Robin hopefully helping and supporting him through the horrific journey of Dx surgery and lastly Radiotherapy.
In four months i have missed Christmas and New Year with my family.My 72 year old Mother who lives alone and depends on me for her only regular company(i am with her every day). My two children .My granddaughter who was one month old when i left and my precious red headed tyrant Georgina who had her first Christmas while i was here and has now started to walk.These are things i can never get back and are gone forever,but i willingly sacrificed all that to stay with a man who i love unconditionally.Now Easter has come and gone and i spent it shut in the spare room alone,while Robin slept and struggled with the terrible effects of his radiotherapy. Yesterday the treatment finished and i thought i would feel elated and relieved,but when we got back home Robin turned to me and said "i am going to the pub are you coming" 24 hours before this he was lying on the sofa looking as if he wasnt going to make it and here he was full of morphine asking me if i was going to the pub with him!!!Needless to say i said no,but he went any way and i was so worried about him i followed him down there and sat till he decided he had made his point and then i brought him home.There were no words to be said last evening and i sat in my room thinking long and hard about all the people on this site who would gladly have his prognosis .This morning i carried out our normal routine of peg care ,medications and feeding and then he asked me why i was in such a bad mood.Where could i start.I just told him i felt he was letting down all the people who worked so hard for his recovery and cared so muchabout him.His answer was to go outside in the blazing sunshine and wash his car after telling me he would be back at work next week.I decided there and then that i was not going to stick around and watch him destroy himself and that it hadnt been worth all the things i have missed and all the family i had abandoned and all the pushing and fighting i had undertaken on his behalf over the last four months.An hour later he came in,and without a word of a lie i thought i was going to have to call an ambulance.He was soaked with sweat,shaking coughing and choking and collapsed.I got him comfortable creamed his skin gave him some morphine and settled him into bed where he has been ever since.When i fed him at 2 0'clock he barely woke up and just said he felt real bad and he looks it, and part of me is saying "it bloody well serves you right"
I have had a long conversation with Mum who said i musn't run out on him now because i will never forgive myself and would only sit at home worried sick but i feel so angry.Why does he think that 24 hours after finishing treatment he can just pick up his life and carry on as if none of this had happened.I am already missing the routine and support of going to the hospital every day,i dont know what to do.I have started smoking again after 6 years and my nerves are shot to bits.All i wanted was to get him through the next few days see the oncologist on Tuesday and get the go ahead to take him home to Yorkshire for a couple of weeks rest and recovery,am i a monster for feling this way?