Cindy,

Everyone around here knows how shy I can be but I want to speak up a bit, if you don't mind. First, stop beating up yourself so bad. What you are dealing with and what Harry is dealing with are things that most of us don't plan on facing and certainly don't know how to until we are in the thick of it. Take each issue as it comes and try hard to pick the one that is impacting your life the worst at the time and stay with it until you feel you have it somewhat under control. Being overwhelmed, unfortunately comes with the territory and even resolving one will give a sense of accomplishment.

Second, stop taking responsibility for Harry's beliefs and attitude. Do not underestimate his resolve and try to put him on a scale with "many of you" as you say it. While it appears we are all so similar, we are each unique as human beings and each and every one of us has worked through this at our own pace and comfort level, even though it appears so similar. The things you mention are something many if not all of us have faced. While it may appear to you that Harry is not expressing his feelings, I read your posts and I see tremendous fear, sadness at the differences in life as it exists now, anquish at how he will be after treatment, etc. These are all very strong expressions of feelings and often all we need is a sounding board and you are doing a great job at that.

Last, stop trying to fit all of this in a nice, tidy little box with a bow. It is a horrible disease and the process is anything but desirable. Reassure him (and yourself) that many have traveled this bumpy road ahead and both of you can as well. Look at life for what you have now and hold on to hope that there is much more than what it seems. Someone on the forum had a quote that was something like "it is in the darkest times that we often see the light". Let go of how life used to be, embrace it for all it is now and look forward to every day in the future when you get to water the flowers instead of pushing them up from six feet under. Find the glimmer of light, hope and happiness in every moment or you will lose track of it.

Ed

SCC Stage IV, BOT, T2N2bM0
Cisplatin/5FU x 3, 40 days radiation
Diagnosis 07/21/03 tx completed 10/08/03
Post Radiation Lower Motor Neuron Syndrome 3/08.
Cervical Spinal Stenosis 01/11
Cervical Myelitis 09/12
Thoracic Paraplegia 10/12
Dysautonomia 11/12
Hospice care 09/12-01/13.
COPD 01/14
Intermittent CHF 6/15
Feeding tube NPO 03/16
VFI 12/2016
ORN 12/2017
Cardiac Event 06/2018
Bilateral VFI 01/2021
Thoracotomy Bilobectomy 01/2022
Bilateral VFI 05/2022
Total Laryngectomy 01/2023