Thanks Rosie and Gary,

You said something that I have been afraid to think but that I am feeling and that is the distancing. I don't think that I have ever felt so lonely in my life. We used to talk and our lives were always wound together through work and play. Now I can't talk to my best friend because he is the one who is sick and we are distant for many reasons at this time. It makes me very sad and it provokes a lot of memories back to when things were good.

I feel ashamed though, for separating myself like this. He doesn't ask about my not sleeping with him but I think that he wonders or maybe he even knows. It is hard to say what he is thinking. I used to know but not anymore.

I am not coping very well with this cancer thing. I try but I know that I am not. My friends all think that I am doing well but they don't know and if they could see how really bad I am at this they might change their thoughts.

I feel most of the time like I am on autopilot. Sometimes it feels like this isn't really happening. Like I am outside of all of this just watching it go by.

I hope we can make it through this. It is what I hope for every day, but if he doesn't......

Cindy