Cindy
There is another saying in AA... KEEP COMING. I am so glad you continue to openly discuss your frustration here particularly if you are not confiding in friends or family.

Guess what? CANCER SUCKS. I said it everyday, several times a day for at least six months, sometimes to total strangers, now I am down to about once or twice a week. Harry seems terribly afraid,and exhausted. Is he getting good information about his condition,treatment and prognosis from his medical team? If he won't ask the questions then you should ask them.

I firmly believed Bob needed antidepressants but he wouldn't take them. He didn't give the impression he was out to beat this thing either. Just like you I kept thinking fight fight fight while Bob seemed to be more passive and plodded along through treatment. I was devestated when he refered to himself as deadman walking. It terrified me. Now five months post treatment he is still plodding through healing. The positive changes in him are subtle. He has had no new life affirming attitude change. I kept expecting him to fight like hell and then embrace life. Didn't happen, but he's still here.

I believe many of the people on this board are unique in thier aggressive approach to beating this disease. I think just the fact that they are on this board shows they are a special kind of proactive person. Bob certainly didn't want to discuss or participate here. As long as Harry is accepting treatment to the extent his Doctors order it he is fighting, maybe not as actively as you would like. Hopefully after the feeding tube is in he'll get some strength. Keep reminding him that you are a team. That you are in this together and how very much you and your children need him regardless of how passive his response may be.

When he is at his worst of the blues it's ok to let him be. Take a walk. Throw a ball around or play a game with your kids. Have a private cry and don't take it personally. Then at the next opportunity, it might not be until the next day, tell him that you love him and that you truly are there to help. When he beats you down. Take a little time but pick yourself up again. I promise you will survive this whatever the outcome. Like Gary said take it one day at time. Sorry to be so long winded but you have stirred all those feelings I had not so long ago. I hope this is encouraging. Trust me if I could do this...YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Keep the Faith Denise