I have a therapist that I see every week. For a long time it was really helpful and after each meeting I was able to walk tall and face the disease head on. But that has diminished over time and the further that we have gotten into this thing the harder it has become.

As far as intimacy goes... we were already fighting about sex and romance before his diagnosis. Now all of the arguments seem so petty and I wish that I would have just given in instead of being so damned hard headed and principled.

Our marriage was on the brink when we found out about the cancer. We are stronger now but for all the wrong reasons. I am just hoping that when this is done that we can mend the broken pieces of our lives.

Love was never the issue here. There is no doubt by either of us that we both love each other beyond words. But my husband is the kind of person who believes that he must sacrifice his own happiness for mine. Often he mistakes this as an excuse to leave my life. His reasons are simple.... if he removes himself from my life I will be better off. It is something we have been fighting about for a long long time.

Now I look back on every argument, every disagreement, every principle that I just had to stand up for and I wonder if any of it really matters.

I think that I stay on the couch because I have a little peace there. I am away from the disease that I am hating more each day even though I feel so rotten that I at least have the option of taking a respite from this madness and he does not. I feel guilty if I walk away and do something that is supposed to be fun, or if I take time for myself, because he can never do that. The disease is every moment of his life and it is not fair that I can occasionally walk away from it.

People always say, "Take time for yourself", but I can't because that is time away from my responsibilities and the things that need me the most.

There will be time for rest later. There is no time to waste today.

Cindy