Cindy,

I don't quite know how to answer your question. I guess one would say I am coping, but sometimes I'm not too sure that is correct. I read your other post about not cleaning your house, doing your laundry, etc. Heather has been gone almost 1 1/2 years now and my house still isn't cleaned thoroughly. I flit from one chore to another and never get anything fully done. I can't focus on one thing long enough to complete it. I can't sleep. I eat too much. I tried an antidepressant and although it did help stop the constant crying, it didn't help with anything else, so I stopped taking it.

I think if I went back to work, it would help because I would have something to focus on, but I don't have the ambition to go job-hunting. It is really bad because I wouldn't even have to go far to get a job. There are 3 places I know I could get a job almost right away. In fact, I was just told a couple days ago to get my application in at one of them. The woman pretty much assured me of a job. Do you think I have put in the app? Heck no! I'm still waffling, trying to justify staying at home longer, when I know there is no justification for it. I have no children at home. I only watch Heather's daughter 2 nights a week and help with my other grandchildren occasionally. I haven't gone back to selling on ebay, although my house is full of stuff that needs to be sold. There is absolutely no reason for me not to work..........but here I sit. I know my husband wants me to get something, at least part-time, but he isn't pushing and I am taking advantage of him and I know it, yet I do it anyway. I know what I need to do. I just can't make myself do it.

Well, I bet that isn't what you wanted to hear, but there you have it. I'm not really coping, yet if you ask 90% of the people who know me, they will tell you I am doing fine. I guess I hide it well. In fact, when I asked the doctor for an antidepressant, he was surprised that I thought i needed one. And maybe he was right. Maybe that isn't what I need. I do know I need something. I'm just not sure what that something is.

Getting back to you, I believe you said you have 2 young children and you are also going to school. If something should happen and your husband doesn't survive this, I think you will find that these 2 things, the children especially, will provide the motivation that will keep you going. You very likely will have trouble getting out of bed for awhile but, for your children's sake, you will find a way to move past it and get on with life. It will not be easy and it will not happen quickly, but I think you will find that your love for your children will be your lifeline. And, although you may take a break from school for awhile, I think that having that structure to return to will be very good for you.

I have a friend who lost her husband in a car accident years ago. She was going through life in a daze, doing only what was necessary. Then one night as she was bringing pizza home for dinner for the umpteenth time that month, she realized what her behavior was doing to their 4 children. They needed more from her than take-out food and basic care. They needed her love and attention more than ever because they were suffering, too. And her neglect of their emotional state was creating a time-bomb within the family. That was what snapped her out of her ennui and she was able to start caring and functioning again. That is why I think it will be your children that will get you through it if the worst does happen.

I can tell you that the horrific pain of the first months does lessen over time. Gradually, you will realize that the sharp edge of pain has faded a little and moved to the background instead of being front and center all the time.

But right now, you have to try to stop thinking of the what-ifs and concentrate on the here and now. Many, many people have a terrible time during their treatment, but they do get better. The treatment for oral cancer is grueling, but it is survivable. Yes, not everyone survives, but you have no way of knowing if your husband will be one of those that don't. Try not to put the cart before the horse. Take a deep breath, take it one day at a time and you will get through this. And while I may be having some trouble coping now, during Heather's treatment, I found strengths I never knew I had. You will find strength, too. And no matter what the outcome, you will be a stronger person in the end.

Take care,
Rosie