Michelle,

From your description of Marcy's swelling and lymphatic system not working properly, you should be prepared for fistulas to develop, if they haven't already. Being eaten alive by the cancer sounds terrible, but it is an apt description.

You asked how you move on after losing someone so dear to you. Well, it isn't easy and it doesn't happen overnight, but the pain will ease eventually. I don't think you ever completely "move on", because Marcy will always be a part of you. Everyone reacts differently, but I can tell you that I do have some days now where I can actually get through an entire day without crying. On the other hand, I have days, usually several in a row, where it still hits me hard and I cry off and on all day. There are many days where I feel almost normal, though. I find I can laugh again and find joy in things. For awhile, I thought I would never laugh or smile again.

The unfairness of it still weighs on me. It is especially hard because Heather had a child, as Marcy does. People say that is good, because I still have a part of Heather in Cati and that is true to a certain extent. But it also makes it harder in some ways. Knowing that Cati needs me, though, has kept me from withdrawing from life. Without her, I don't think I would be as far along in the healing process. Not that I'm that far along yet, but I think it would be worse if I didn't have Cati to care for. One thing that is a blessing is that Cati has a great relationship with her father. She still stays with me sometimes, but I can see that she needs me less and less because their love for each other is very strong. He is a wonderful dad and I think he is handling his role as a single parent very well. That is truly a blessing.

There are many more things I would like to say, but I think I've said enough for now. I might post more later. As always, feel free to e-mail me if you'd like.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie