Mark, Gary & all,

I have started to post a reply several times now and keep aborting. I just can't seem to find the right words to say all that I'm feeling about this issue of anger. I do feel that anger is a natural part of the grieving process, but I'm not planning on being angry forever. I'm just not quite ready to give it up yet. I do owe everyone an apology, though. In re-reading my original post, you know............the one with the thoughtless comment that started this whole topic!...........I realized my wording was poor. I am not angry at the people that have survived. I am angry at the circumstances that have allowed them to survive while not allowing Heather that same opportunity. Some of you may think there is a fine distinction there, but I think it is healthier to be angry at a thing rather than a person.

These are just a couple of the things that I am angry about. I am angry with the doctors who didn't have the sense to order a complete battery of tests. Heather's tumor didn't show up on a CT scan just weeks before she had the biopsy. Is it so unreasonable to think the doctors should have known to do an MRI? They started treatment without knowing the full extent of the cancer. That was stupid and it makes me angry.

Gary, maybe you and many others can take some of the blame for your late diagnoses because of delaying your referrals, etc., but Heather didn't delay anything. Well, actually, she did delay going to the doctor for a few weeks when she first had the ear pain and sore throat, but she didn't have the traditional warning signs and she only delayed for weeks, not months. She had no lumps, bumps, red/white patches, sore spots in her mouth.......just pain. How often have you told someone that if it's painful, it probably isn't cancer? Well, guess what? Of course, the doctors assumed the same as you. A young, non-smoking woman with pain her only symptom.........cancer never entered their minds. It was carotid artery syndrome or TMJ or stress or all in her mind!!! Angry? You bet I'm angry! She had no chance of surviving this. The cards were stacked against her right from the start.

I could go on and on, but there's really no point. I will let go of my anger in due time. Hopefully, I can do as Brian did and turn my anger into something positive. Truth be told, I would love to write a book about Heather's ordeal, not only as a memorial to her, but also with the hope that it might help save lives. Unfortunately, even though I am fairly proficient in grammar and did well enough in English class to garner the senior class English award, I have never written anything for publication and am not sure I would even know where to start. And high school English class was eons ago!

I'm glad some of you harbor no anger. Mystified, but glad for you, because I know anger can be very destructive. I don't plan on harboring mine long enough for it to do so, but I do feel my anger is justified. And it was a little bit offensive to read the first comments here. It sounded like you thought I shouldn't be angry. Actually, the first few replies that I started but didn't finish were pretty scathing. I really felt you were making a judgement call that I didn't feel you had the right to make. After all, you are still here and Heather is not. Who are you to tell me I don't have the right to be angry? Of course, that isn't quite what you were saying, but that was my first impression. I'm glad I didn't post what I first wrote, but I did feel the need to defend my anger. Pretty silly maybe, but nonetheless, that's how I feel. But let me reiterate. I am not angry with you survivors. I truly am not. It was just a very poor choice of words. And I wish you all the best. I hope your remissions are permanent. And I hope this "orphan" cancer soon gets the recognition it needs in order to get better treatment. No person should have to suffer the agonies Heather did.

Rosie