Petey,

I have had two helluva couple of days at the hospital...and, my husband is in his 4th week of chemo radiation. I am exhausted, and yet I made the mistake of reading your post prior to going to bed and I woke up in the middle of the night angry as all get out.

Petey, you read and respond to virtually every post on this site. You know that some people aren't nearly as fortunate as you are...some people do not have a choice of living or dying. Some people do die.

Right now, you are being treated at a top medical site because you bolstered up the courage and action to make that happen...and, at no charge. I would say that makes you one very capable, intelligent and fortunate guy.

And, your doctor's aren't trying to talk you into hospice...they are treating you as though you are treatable.

You have got to stop wavering, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

So, you make your own soup...big deal...order some Carnation VHC and they'll deliver it to your door and you won't have to even heat it up.

You need to continue on the path of the amazing man who got himself a top-notch, no-cost medical team.

Make the decision to fight this cancer and stay the course. Once you get through these treatments, you will have a chance to make amends and/or change how you show up in people's lives.

The one thing that is pretty certain is there is a big chance you will get knocked on your ass when you least expect it during treatments.

I don't know of many people who made it through their entire treatment regime without a caregiver or someone to at least drive them to their appointments or pick up prescriptions. My husband thought he would be able to handle this himself, God had something else in mind.

Every day, I choose to sacrifice something big...that impacts my relationship with my children, my own business, my well being...to make sure that my husband gets through this.

I, as the caregiver, rely heavily on neighbors, family and friends on the homefront and at work...as I realized early on I can't do it all.

My view is that this is one short time frame in the grand scheme of life...and I will have a chance to focus on my kids, repair my biz...and, repay the many favors that have been generously sent my way.

If your family doesn't want to be your caregiver (or at the very least drivers and errand runners)...accept that and find someone or some people who will.

There will likely be a time when you are too fatigued from radiation or too medicated to drive safely and that will put you and potentially others on the road at risk.

You seem like a like-able guy, I am sure you have friends. Make sure you line people up as a backup to help you BEFORE you need the help.

And, if you don't have someone to help you track your calories, fluid and medication intake...then, while you are still early on in your treatment, figure out how you are going to do that. It MUST be done. Create a check list, buy a whiteboard or a notebook...do something that is systematic and trackable.

Or, start a blog on this site and we'll track along with you.

I realize the need to lean on others for emotional support. But, Petey, you have a choice to live and you are taking it far too lightly.

If you put all your energy into feeling sorry for yourself...you will have no energy left for what you really need energy for. The treatments are hell. And, I say that as an observer and not as a participant.

My husband went through a range of mood swings when he was first diagnosis. But, that was short lived...once he get on a treatment plan...he made the decision to fight with all he had. I am amazed at the courage my husband shows every day.

It took a lot of courage for you to admit your alcoholism and past problems on this site. I thought that showed a lot of character.

Although, your last post responding to my message showed too much weakness.

Build up your armor, build up your support team and fight this beast and beat it! Because it is quite possible things will get much, much worse before they get better.

Stay the course, Petey! You have a lot of people rooting for you on this site...show us all what you are made of.

Sorry for the late night rant and rave...but, maybe now, I will be able to fall back asleep.

I truly wish you well Petey. I am among the people here who are rooting for you!

All the best,