The Fear Factor didn't come into my situation as much as it seemed to affect others. Having faced death head on with the heart attacks, I have been there on the edge. I was in the hospital ER with doctors and nurses all around me trying to stabilize me. Believe me it was crazy! Then, with the emergency situation (bleeding) after my neck dissection, I was yet in another situation where my life was on the line. It didn't really sink in until one of the doctors said "Mr "T", this is very serious. You could die!"

When I was in those situations, I wasn't thinking about death. My life wasn't flashing in front of my eyes. All I knew in those moments was that I hurt badly and I wanted the pain to stop.

I recall driving myself to the hospital with the 1st heart attack and getting tunnel vision and feeling like I was going to pass out. I wasn't scared. I just wanted to make it to the hospital! I recall thinking "Man, I should have done the dishes and picked up the dirty laundry"... "Did I clean my cache?" ~lol~

Then came cancer... I was more concerned with everyone else I would leave behind should it get the better of me. I don't fear death. I do fear the pain but I know there's good stuff they could pump me with to make me comfortable. I was pissed and still am to some extent. I deal with frustration more than anything else concerning the side effects and the way cancer has changed my life but I press on, one foot in front of the other. I know I'll eventually settle into my new abnormal life

"T"