Thoughts and prayers are with you. Where you are is the terrifying part. As soon as you start tx you get your warrior face on and just push through it. You have an amazing attitude and now, an amazing support group.
As far as guilt from the past. You have to let it go too because it doesn't change anything. Many of us understand that all too well also.
Blessings,
Kathy

Kathy wife/caregiver to:
Kevin age:53
Dx 7/15/11
HPV16+ SCC Stage IV BOT/R
Non smoker, casual drinker
7/27/11 Cistplatin, taxotere,5FU 2/3week sessions, followed by IMRT 125cgy x 60 (2x daily) w/Erbitux weekly. Last rad 10/26/11. Last Erbitux 10/27/11
PEG placed 9/1/11 Removed 11/8/11
Clear PET 10/12 and 10/13 and ct in 6/14