this is going to be long but will try to shorten the best I can, my husband is an only child, his father is like a father to me, but has been a functioning alcoholic for 40 yrs....my husbands mom left his dad due to it after 19 yrs of marriage when my husband was 13....my FIL never got over it and the drinking got worse.....he was never a "mean" alcoholic but it def controlled his life..a few yrs ago he got caught drinking at work and they told him to go to rehab or he was fired...he went for 45 days to a facility and of course, he was the only "normal" one there....he claims it did more harm than good, and he did not have a problem....so he lives alone and is retired and 58...and drinks all day to be "normal"...we are very close to him as we are all he has...we have 4 kids whom he adores....last summer there was warning signs with his mouth swelling and he would tell him to go see a dr, but he said he was fine and prob a "allergic reaction"..I would say YOU COULD HAVE CANCER OR something! and he would joke "i prob do!" I cannot tell you how many times we tried to get him to drs, but you cannot help someone who will not help themselves.....so anyhow last yr around XMAS he was obviously depressed and not coming around as much...we would try and get him to come over for dinner, etc...but he always had an excuse..(looking back we now know he did not feel good)...finally after about a week of not seeing him my husband went to his house to visit him and his mouth was clearly flared and like a fat lip and he could hardly talk his mouth was so swollen....my husband demanded he go to ER now!!! but of course he said it was prob nothing and something he "ATE".....we begged all weekend and finally on MONDAY morning I took him to ER, he was clearly drunk and in IMMENSE pain, they opened his mouth and was SHOCKEd by how swollen his tongue was and the white pusy scales running down the side...also the smell was horrible..they gave him meds to relax and right away ER dr suspected cancer.....in the few weeks before XMAS he lost TONS of weight we could tell too...and this confirmed he was not eating but just drinking...he went from 150 to 135 that first day, which he is already way too thin....they admitted him into the hospital and he spent 4 days there.....he got biopsys and lots of IVS and pain meds, they of course knew he was a alchoholic and would go thru withdraw so they kept a close eye on him....he then went home to wait on the results...I went w him to see ENT for those initial results and the ENT told him not good stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma....that the tumor on his tongue was growing for many yrs and it was into his lymph nodes as well......he told us about the big surgery a few hrs away for neck dissection etc....but he said he did not think he would ever live thru the procedure since he was already to sick and weak, however we shopudl still go talk to them....so they made the appt for 2 weeks away...we then saw radiation dr and encologist a week later....and in that time FIL lost TONS of weight because he obviously could not eat due to the pain in his mouth...the encologist (who is the best in the area but very cocky and "not nice" recommended a feeding tube before treatments could start and we agreed and told them to speed it up because he was blowing away...so the PEG tube was to be inserted at outpatient and I took him to that and he almost died getting the tube in because he went into shock, he was so dehyrated and weak, they admitted him again for 2 weeks that time to try and let him recover....at this time he weighed 114 and it was horrible because he had TONS of mucus from the tumor in his mouth and was clearly still drinking even tho dr told him if he continued it would kill him quickly...he started to look much better in the hospital and clearly was not drinking...at this point 6 weeks had passed since his diagnosis and still we did not know what the plan was because he was so bad, when he was being released from the hosp, he understood NO WAY he could care for himself at home and start treatments so he willingly went to a skilled nursing home, about a month later he almost died as a new tumor swelled and cut off his air supply, ENT performed bedside TRACH, so back to hospital in ICU for 4 days....and no treatment for time being to let him rest, then he was back to nursing home... the dr was very vague but told him basically it was inoperable and too far gone and to not bother going to see about the surgery becaue he would never make it thru a 12 hr operation, FIL agreed....dr said instead aggressively treat for "quality of life" to shrink the tumors, so he started chemo in the hospital and did well w that....few weeks later they started adding radiation..he received 39 rads and finished that today.....and basically that is all we know...he left the nursing home 1 week ago because his insurancw would not pay anymore....tho he was happy to come home as well.....nurses come everyday and we stop everyday, but w 4 small kids and one baby it is hard.......the tumor in his mouth it seems has never shrunk, his lymph nodes appear better but dr does not tell us anything!!! just that he is looking better and I am afraid giving FIL false hope...I do not think FIL understands pallative care, I am just really frustrated and sad...he looks HORRIBLE and now his bottom part of face is swollen and bright red (they say from the rads?) and I just do not know what to say to him or my husband....we stop everyday to check on him but I HATE seeing him like this....esp since he still asks for a little beer...I stress to him how that would kill him quicker.....I jus tthink these rads are doing more harm then good and I know as long as dr says come back, FIL will keep doing it...when in the end is it helping?? another thing is we JUST found out that a PET scan in MARCH showed mestatis to the lung....no one told us this or my FIL nor the nursing home!!...he has a dr appt thurs and my husband and I are going, but hoping the dr talks and gives us some answers, because even tho FIL cannot talk and uses a board he will not ask questions and just does what he is told........it is just so unique because he is alcholic, lives alone, going thru this....deep down tho he really is a great person and I feel so bad for him, and the mucous is HORRIBLE!!! he says that is the worse part....what causes all the mucous? the treatment? the tumors?..I am just at a loss and would love any input