Sandy,
Although I wish that you would give up the smoking and drinking, I actually like the honesty of your attitude. People often expect us ( cancer survivors ) to walk around with pollyanna attitudes, being appreciative of every sunrise, sunset, and bird that sings. However that is not the reality of most of our daily lives. We grieve for that hamburger and those chocolate chip cookies that used to taste so good, our lost ability to jump on a plane or into a car at the last minute and to take off without lots of planning...no soup in a thermos or suitcase full of Boost. Believe me there are days when I am mighty pissed off about not being the guy that I used to be. As my friends scarf down hot dogs and snickers on the golf course, I pull out my little bottle of chocolate boost, and hope that I don't get too hungry before the round is over. But the good news is that I am playing golf! Like Brian, my water bottle is part of my right arm, and I pee more than a little kid ( or old geezer ). I hate it...I don't like it, I want my old life back!
Having said that, life is still pretty damn good. I was here to take my oldest child to college last year. I was here to drive my middle child to camp two weeks ago. I was here to take my youngest son to Hawaii last week where we rode bikes down from the 10,000 foot volcano and snuba dived together.
It's okay to be pissed off. We have earned the right, and besides, each of us handles our situations in our own ways. On the other hand, life does offer great possibilities. Since my recovery I have become involved with the most wonderful woman and life, though not like it used to be, is good.
Take care buddy,
Danny G.