Jean -

Don't ever hestitate to ask questions and, ask why a certain treatment is being done rather than another. Also, be proactive in presenting anything which might affect the eventual treatment decision. For example, prior to his daignosis my husband had existing (and progressing) high-end hearing loss due to ear infections as a child, also the hereditary neurological condition called "benign essential tremor." His MO and RO both took this into consideration and he was given carboplatin chemo rather than the more commonly-used cisplatin because it is far less toxic to the ears, plus no taxanes because of the risk of neuropathy and possibly exacerbating his existing tremor.

Be sure to ask about the possible (almost unavoidable) side-effects -- see the Oral Foundation web site for discussion of these -- and ask how they plan to ameliorate them. This discussion may be better with the oncology nurses, by the way. This would include trismus, mucositis, pain, skin burns, and inability to swallow sufficient hydration and nutrition. Ask about the PEG tub, I agree with other posters that it can be a life-saver.

You must be the strong one, it is hard enough for the patient to get through each day. My feeling is you can never ask enough questions and get enough information, fortunately, my husband's doctors all agreed!

Gail

p.s. since Joe is young and a non-smoker, has he been tested for human papilloma virus? It is turning out to be a major cause of tonsil and base of tongue cancers in non-smokers, is biologically different, responds better to treatment and far less chance of recurrence. However it is almost never implicated in oral tongue (outer part of tongue) cancers but your post doesn't make clear where Joe's tumor was.