I have made a decision tonight to go out with a friend. Her daughter is going to watch my kids and she and I are going out for a while.

I asked Harry if it was ok with him and he said yes, but I wonder if he is just saying that. I just feel like I have to get out of here for a little while. No kids, no cancer. I know that I am sounding very selfish and I don't mean to be. It is really just the only perspective that I have and while I try my best to understand what he is going through, I really cannot physically feel the pain he is going through.

He wanted me to go with him today so I skipped school and went. His throat and tongue are hurting so bad now and the mucus is really really bad. I went tonight and got the fentenyl patches for the pain. I hope they help. He is not drinking as much as he should and I nag him about it all the time. I know he hates hearing me say it over and over but I am just doing what the doctors said to do.

He has also had fever for 4 days and it is continuing but now I cannot get him to swallow the tylenol. The doctor had prescribed suppositories (sp?) but I have discovered that most pharmacies do not carry that strength.

Anyway, I feel guilty about going out away from him and my kids for a while but I feel that if I don't I am going to lose control which will help no one. I am really looking forward to making it to life after treatment because life during is really not life at all. Just one crisis and heartache after another.

Thanks for all of your input. I know I can get all kinds of perspectives here and it really does help me to sort it all out.