Cindy-
I'm so sorry you feel alone during the times you really need that hug or assurance that you ARE important and have a "purpose" in facilitating his treatment and recovery. It's a lonely place to be and please accept my heartfelt love and reassurance.
I used to look at Ed all withered and burned. I hated that I was so scared (absolutely terrified he'd see it) and hated it even more that I was so angry; looking back it was anger at the cancer for taking my husband (as I knew him) away. I felt if I didn't have a purpose or job I was worthless. I told Ed that if nothing else, please let me drive him to therapy. I HAD to do something. I don't know if he really wanted it because then HE wasn't fighting the cancer or it might get the best of him - but he let me anyway. Never missed but one radiation treatment and that was because he was having a temper tantrum and had a gentleman friend from church drive him. I was very blessed.
This sounds so sick, but I would have gone totally bug poop if we weren't constantly in crisis. It made me take my mind of the emotion and helped me focus on the mechanics of medicine designed to make him well in the long run. (I learned to access his mediport, dispense IV's, watch for signs, place Domeboro soak compresses on his radiation burns...) My once strapping energegic hubby was turning into a malnourished wisp of a man.
God forgive me and more importantly, I hope my kids will forgive me one day when I have the courage to ask. I couldn't take it out on Ed but my kids sure got the raw end of the deal for not reacting the way I thought they should.
Looking back, we do what we all need to do to survive the devistating effects of cancer. Physical and mental. Ed's sense of worth was down to nothing. He risked everything to do what he felt he needed to do. You know what it feels like when you think you're creating some magic environment to ensure your loved one's recovery (kept them away from germs, plenty of bed rest, cram those liquids down their throat/peg tube it they can use it) only to have them drive 50 miles each way to treatment (or like mine, mow the grass in 100 plus degrees with an IV strapped to his back in a backpack) because that's what they would have been doing if they were well.
It all messes with your head and your heart and when you just get used to realizing it isn't personal, something new happens at a different stage of treatment/wellness and it's all thrown off again and you spend more time trying to remember it's not personal all over again.
You're not selfish. You're a loving person. Don't let the feelings of guilt that you might have fun or relax while he's weathering the effects of chemo and radiation make you serve penance by thinking its selfish. You love your husband, he loves you (and I'm sure appreciates/knows how difficult it is for you to watch him drive off to treatment but lets him do it without too much fuss). It's okay. I tattled on my husband every chance I got. One day his doctor said, "Susan? So what if he gets an infection or dehydrates? You watch out for him after HE watches out for himself. If the cancer's going to kill him at least he knows he lived fighting it. Trust that he'll sense when enough is enough."
Hang in there. I will keep you uplifted in my prayers.
