Sara-

As a fellow caregiver/wife I am feeling your frustration and pain. I was there not so long ago and reading your post brought it all back. Know that you are not alone and that we have all been there...with the "pissed off" moods and the feeling that no matter what I do he's not going to like it. I had to keep reminding myself, sometimes every second of every day, that it wasn't my husband speaking but the cancer. That helped me not to lash out too much at him. Not that I'm a saint and didn't yell at him at times. Sometimes yelling was good for my sanity too. He would just sit there and watch me yell and cry and then he would finally hold me and comfort me...seemed like a strange reversal, but it felt good. I must say that what really helped me was the wonderful people in my support group. I don't know how many family and friends you have that you can really count on, but you MUST take this time to say YES to their offers of help. I didn't have a small child tugging at me for my time and care so I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. I hope you have someone that can give you a break and watch your toddler for a few hours or maybe even a sleep-over. If you are anything like me you feel like you will be burdening your family/friends with too much...but believe me you MUST do this because you will be no good to anyone if you don't take some time for yourself. During the worst part of the treatment...the middle and end...I had to take a leave from work and had my sister & mom running errands for me...my husband just didn't want anyone to see him or be around him when he was feeling and looking so miserable. It took every bit out of me to do all the things that were needed, from GI tube feedings to remembering all the medications that were needed to cleaning humidifiers, etc. etc....you know the story. I don't know what I would have done without my support group who just showed up at my door with my dinner and my husbands meds...no questions asked. I also forced myself to attend caregiver support meetings at the cancer care center where my husband was being treated...it was a big relief to just sit and bear my soul without worring that I might be burdening my husband who already had enough to deal with just fighting the cancer. Last but not least one of my biggest mental unloading was to send weekly updates via emails to family and friends. They always sent uplifting responses that helped not only my husband but me. I usually went into the detailed reality of what being treated for tonsil cancer really means...something that most people never realize.

Well...that is enough for now. You are a true blessing and I'm sure...even though he may seem "pissed off" all the time...your husband knows just how blessed he is to have you by his side. Hang in there and keep coming back to the OCF...everyone here is wonderful!