Sweety,
what you are describing sounds like the typical stages of grief. You are greiving your old life and where you were at before cancer. Confusion, bargaining, depression, anger, and finally acceptance are the five stages. They don't always go in order and sometimes some of them will occur simultaneously. I flipped out more than once and had major amends to make to my wonderful wife who stayed with me through all of this (she told me later she did speak with a divorce attorney though). This is why a support group is great for caregivers as well. They tend to internalize our criticisms. All they want to do is be helpful and when we jump on their case it really hurts them. I constantly had to let my wife know that I was angry about the disease and not her. You ARE entitled to your feelings.

I know well about everybody telling us how brave we are - what other choice do we have? Death - and that's about it. Cancer really kicked my ass and they're telling me how BRAVE I am?!?! I crawled through the battlefield on my hands and knees most of the time. It's not like I was out there with my hand grenades and bayonets flashing. This was hardly some Rambo thing. But what else can they say really? They are pretty clueless just how miserable we are. I used to take my drivers into the treatment room so they could watch me get bolted to the table. I would also give them the nickle tour of radiation oncology. It was enlightening for them. There were many sicker than me also which helped to keep it on perspective. In AA they say "I felt bad because I had no shoes, then I met a man that had no feet".

I used to wear a Navy Seals t-shirt to treatment a lot with the saying "That which does not kill you only makes you stronger". There WERE days that I truly thought the treatment was going to kill me.

BUT -I am stronger today - that saying is really true. I pray it will be true for you also.

Just take it one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time - keep focused on the "cancer free" outcome from this.

A little "better living through chemistry" doesn't hurt either. I took Ativan, Zanax, Prozac, Paxil, Duragesic (Fentanyl), Morphine for managing pain, depression and anxiety.