From reading your posts, it certainly sounds like a corticosteroid effect. Excitability and not sleeping are regularly reported. For most patients it is mild and presents with a sense of well being. Unfortunately, your husband (or you, as the one bearing the brunt of it) seems to be one of the unlucky ones who has progressed to irritability/paranoia and downright nastiness.

However there may be other considerations � When I first read your post I wondered if �A� might have something else also affecting him.

Might �A� also be reacting to the shock and stress of fighting a life threatening disease?

In my early posts I described my Alex as being a tantrum throwing 2 year old and myself as being his jailor/tormentor. He said later that he knew that he was saying and doing hurtful things but could not stop himself. I believe this was his reaction to the pain, shock and terror of what he was experiencing (as well as the pain medications, chemotherapies etc).

I also think he was trying to protect both of us in some strange way by trying to stop me from seeing him at his worst. When he was with me, he couldn't pretend he didn't have cancer and my presence forced him to consider the reality (plus I was a bloody great bully). Alex didn't want anyone to see him so vulnerable. He rarely allowed any of his friends to visit him either and deliberately made light of the seriousness of his condition when he did see them.

The insight that Alex shared afterwards(don't you just love a man who shares!) was that he resented me coming in being all positive and proactive. He felt it was his job to be the protector and provider and he felt he had failed. So when I bounced into hospital and "fussed" over him (his perception not mine), it drove him crazy which caused him to lash out at me. Think about the kid in the playgound who falls and scrapes his knee, starts to cry and then hits the kid closest to him just because he is there? . Now I didn't understand it at the time and fought back telling him that no matter how sick he was he had no right to be nasty. Unfortunately, this was not my finest hour.

Your way of doing things - treading softly and trying not to "fuss" and going with the flow, will help you get through this.

For yourself, remember this. It is not personal. No matter how awful it feels and how personal the attacks are, it is not personal. He is hurting and scared (you know that) and wants to lash out at the other kid in the playground.

Cry your tears here on this forum, find a counsellor, keep a journal, consider anti-depressants. All these things are used by us caregivers to cope . You are normal and your fear, hurt and guilt happen to all of us from time to time. But it does get better.

When you get the other side, your husband will acknowledge your support and if he doesn't - slap him and remind him that you are a goddess!!

Karen
PS for the record, Alex is back to his old considerate self and it started happening the day they told him he had no evidence of disease (NED) at 3 months post treatment.