Day 16 after treatment has ended.

My job as caretaker is hard. It is the hardest job I have ever had. Before treatment ended, it seemed so much easier. I had tasks to accomplish: meds to be given at certain times every day (and this changed from the start of the week to the end of the week.) I had food and water to give him regularly, exercises to remind him to do, and chauffeuring to get him to appointments. I took detailed notes at doctor's appointments and followed them to the letter as best as I could. And my patient was fairy cooperative and pleasant.

Not any more. He is frustrated with me when I suggest that he have a bath by the middle of the afternoon each day. Fussy when I get him up and out of the house to walk the dog, exercise in the gym, or go with me for a quick trip to the store. And today he is mad with me because I want him to eat a bite of something, anything.

So it is quiet around here. It hurts him to talk. And it hurts me to hear him mad with me. I am trying to use humor as a way to jolly him into doing the things the doctors tell me he needs to do to get better. But my humor is falling totally flat. And I am feeling like I don't know what to do anymore to help him. He must have some internal motivation to help himself here too. And as far as I can see, that is not happening.

We are only half way through the month, and we were told that it would be the hardest part of the journey. So I am unrealistic in thinking that there should be some improvement yet. But hope springs eternal in a kindergarten teacher.

I am fearful that windows of opportunity are slipping past quickly. His throat is tightening up. I imagine that his jaw will tighten next. If he isn't swallowing something of substance, I worry that his ability to swallow in the future will diminish. But because it tastes so bad, he is unwilling to cooperate.

Unwilling to cooperate. There is the phrase of the day. It makes it harder for me to do my caretaking job when I am met with such resistance. I am not giving up, but I am just feeling disheartened. If I only had a fast forward button to bypass these next two weeks and get closer to the time when he will again feel like a human who is somewhat self sufficient and slightly less selfish.