that's a good point. I have to get out of the negative frame of ming (funny sp mistake I meant: mind) somehow.
The meds change caused slightly less anxiety, but now anger is surfacing and I find it returning about the treatment and all the fucked up stuff/sufering I went through due to lack of energy, support and docs who don't care.
Before I knew the tumor is malignant, having no insurance, I stupidly went to County USC where some unsupervised student cretin in training (Dr Yu, I think) did a biopsy on my palate with a scalpel and no analgesic. I remember the nurse asking him "is it sterile". He injected something which was probably expired..., or did not wait long enough. It was the most pain I ever experienced in my life. This was like a horror movie in a 3rd world country war prison/hospital. This is where my anxiety began: great beginning for treatment.
Of course I was alone without anyone to help or support. Just walking into that hospital is scary. The whole place should be burned down. The way patients are treated like garbage/experimental rats, without any concern for their well being angry bureaucrats. It's more like a Nazi concentration camp focused on getting people out asap.
When he was finished he just left. I felt dizzy and traumatized. The nurse immediately asked me if I am ready to go home even though I looked like I might fall/faint any second.
On the way down in a daze I somehow got into an elevator that was meant just for staff/docs. Noone said anything but when we reached the first floor and got out, a young female doc angrily told me not to use that elevator.
When I tried to get the med records, they just delayed them for weeks and never sent them. I stupidly lost a few weeks there and could have been treated earlier. I should have just gone into surgery immediately as the doc said it's the same treatment for benign and she can biopsy during surgery. But no I stupidly waited for results and more tests at the new place to make sure it's malignant.
[quote=Pete D][quote]I kept putting things off or was to afraid to try. Now that there is probably not much time left I don't have the capacity, strength or will.[/quote]
So, since you didn't get around to doing all the things you day-dreamed about doing, you are going to die with a low score? So what?
YOU made that list and YOU can change it.
When I was in adverse circumstances, military training cycles, Vietnam, bad time at work, etc., I would visualize places I'd rather be and things I'd rather be doing -- I still haven't done most of those things and most likely never will -- So what?
"Regret is the ultimate in self-abuse." Travis McGee as written by John D. MacDonald [/quote]
