Tx ended mid last year. Divorce is not helping. I take Ativan and lexapro and am in therapy.
Have a hard time getting up after sleeping. Anxiety is highest then.
Fatigue, low energy and constantly getting sick seem to increase the negative emotions.
I am probably addicted to Ativan. I think that I'd be more angry without lexapro which tones it down.
And posting this was probably a really hard thing to do. I can actually relate to some of your feelings. You are not alone from what I am reading here. I am getting a lot of support from my friends here and I am sure you will too. I am going to try to take my own advice that I am telling you. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You have been through a horrific ordeal and it takes a long while to heal. One in my opinion does not just "get over" oral cancer. The memory may fade but I don't think we will ever totally forget. But we will be happy again just gotta find our nitch...or switch and turn it on...We will be good once again I have faith in that one!!
thanks. you are right. it's as if I have trouble asking for help and I have to fall really low for it to happen. There are support groups nearby and I never went. Only now am I considering it. I even had fear of support groups as they reming me of the situation or I am afraid of seeing someone who is much worse than myself.
I am lonely and having trouble socially due to fatigue and anxiety. Wife and I still live in the same house; trouble selling in down market; but she does not support me and I cannot depend on her. Everything seems more stressful than it should be. Dividing property, moving and living alone (can I make it alone?) though it's kind of like living alone now.
Sometimes it takes a stronger person to ask for help. Also support is good but you have to find what works for you. When I was at my lowest point, groups made me feel more anxious. For me I needed one on one and some medicine to help get me chemically balanced. It was a huge circle made of dominoes and they would keep knocking each other down. To get better I had to interact and ask for help but a lot of times that made me more anxious which made me more depressed and hard on myself cause I couldn't do it. That started a whole new batch of emotions. Please do yourself the biggest favour find a phone number of either a hospital or nearest counselling office. Another answer for me when I wasn't able to get help from a professional I journaled. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wroter about 10 journals over the course of deepest depression. I wrote about everything it didn't matter how small or how huge just wrote everything and anything I felt. I don't mean to lecture but I have been in those depths and it is absolutely no fun to feel that alone. Have faith in yourself enough to get help and trust me once you find someone to lean on you will begin to see a light, feel some relief and those dominoes seem to grow legs and stand on their own...You can do this and you will be ok...You have started by taking a step and talking here. Remember you never have to be alone!!
Have you had you TSH levels checked lately. Certainly depression can cause fatigue but constant fatigue can also cause depression.
I never thought of that but that is so true...good call..but is that tested in routine blood work?
Get your TSH tested so you can rule it out or deal with it. Also, ask your Doc about higher dose of the Lexapro -- I had to do just that (doubled it from 20 to 40mg/day) and was pleased with the results.
BTW, I have friend who is a shrink and she said Lexapro was one of the most successful ADs she has prescribed.
Fatigue is a well known side effect of cancer treatment. I also suffered from PTSD about a year out, which is also very common.
TSH was below range, but the rest of the thyroid numbers were normal so the docs said it's ok.
Testosterone was low and brought to normal, 500, via injections. It has not affected the fatigue and illness though. Maybe it'll happen in the future. I've been getting shots for a coupla months.
yep, this seems very similar for me. It's as if I don't have enough energy to bring myself to support group or it's closed when I have enough energy.
I see a student (PhD candidate) therapist but he does not seem to help me too much. Maybe I should try to see someone else, but that also takes effort.
I try being more social but get anxious or rejected which depresses/angers me and than it's harder to try again.
My wife seems to think that I got a "clean bill of health" and I am now ok, after all "some people came to her gym to work out while having chemotherapy."
My primary oncologist feels that radiation fatigue stops after a year and that it's the depression that's making me tired. "some of my patients are running marathons" "you are the only patient who is suffering from fatigue". I don't know where they get these types of statements.
[quote=darkeyedlady0]Sometimes it takes a stronger person to ask for help. Also support is good but you have to find what works for you. When I was at my lowest point, groups made me feel more anxious. For me I needed one on one and some medicine to help get me chemically balanced. It was a huge circle made of dominoes and they would keep knocking each other down. To get better I had to interact and ask for help but a lot of times that made me more anxious which made me more depressed and hard on myself cause I couldn't do it. That started a whole new batch of emotions. Please do yourself the biggest favour find a phone number of either a hospital or nearest counselling office. Another answer for me when I wasn't able to get help from a professional I journaled. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wroter about 10 journals over the course of deepest depression. I wrote about everything it didn't matter how small or how huge just wrote everything and anything I felt. I don't mean to lecture but I have been in those depths and it is absolutely no fun to feel that alone. Have faith in yourself enough to get help and trust me once you find someone to lean on you will begin to see a light, feel some relief and those dominoes seem to grow legs and stand on their own...You can do this and you will be ok...You have started by taking a step and talking here. Remember you never have to be alone!! [/quote]
The only response I would have to people who would question me is have you walked in these shoes. I fully understand how the wrong comment can effect someone. That is why you have the support of others in your shoes. I know here in Canada there is a hot line to actually hook you up to talk with other people who have dealt with and lived the walk. Sometimes a shove or a push can help someone out of depression but most times it makes the person be harder on themselves. It is difficult to give advice to you due to boarder red tape it effects a lot of things in our lives. Here we have "help lines" and you can get help over the phone. Even if it is for the moment until you can get enough energy to get somewhere else. Also they have access to connections that could help to. Just don't give up keep plugging and the best thing is BABY STEPS!! and don't look back keep your eye on the prize. LIFE!!
That is a great answer Dianne. I hope they listen and pay attention to it.
TRT,, you can handle it just like I am the past year plus. It does get lonely and when that happens I come into the forums or call my daughter . I get busy or try to all day long. I have been packing my NASCAR Collection and have no idea why. We'll all fight this together. Mine left me too , but I'm a tough guy that will be here regardless if she needs help or hinders me. Good luck and you will do it too. Gotta put a post in general for now. Have a good day.
Thanks Jim it is only cause I've been there too many times to count and the help I got here was basically the same. I really do hate to see someone fall so deep cause it is one of the hardest life modes to get out of and one of the easiest to slip deeper into. It can be a very scary place and I think a lot of us here are far too familiar with it. Unfortunately a lot of my experience comes way before cancer. It has been a life time battle. Day bay day winning Yay!!!
A friend from abroad left 2 messages on a messenger program. Right now I feel so anxious that I am afraid to call him back. This kind of thing is really depressing/annoying/scary as it'd probably help me to talk to him. I started writing him a message but that made me emotional. Hopefully I can calm down and write it.
The annoying part is that it's much harder for me to contact anyone when I am really down/anxious. I just want to hide or sleep.
I am having trouble with sleeping too much. Today I woke up in the afternoon which is why I am awake now. Anxiety is also higher if I am awake at night as there is less distraction and I am less likely to go outside the house.
You did say "a friend", right? Well that's exactly who you should be talking to. Don't worry about being emotional. Emotions just are, period, and this IS a friend. Who else should you be emotional with?
Write if you must, but I think you should call him.
Lani
I agree talking to a friend is great if you have one that can listen. I know that here in Canada we have and it is quite new I think but there is a number to call to connect and talk to people in the same situations and it runs 24/7. Night time is usually the worst time if someone is depressed nothing to do nowhere to go and can't sleep. Go figure by the time you get tired enough the sun is coming up.
Talking to your friend is a good idea. But honestly it takes a lot to do and I am working on it myself is physical activity. It emits endorphines and lowers anxiety. Also a tip I learned is that when a person is anxious or depressed Vitamin B12 can help control depressiion I am not sure how it works but it does...If any of these ideas helps that great and if not you may need to take some antidepresants. Alot of people going through this experience are on them and it is not permanent but it can help...
One other piece of information I was given and it helped me and again the "queen of anxious" was to concentrate one day at a time and even better one moment at a time. For the moment this moment I am ok and when you start to get worked self talk yourself. It connects into a whole line of meditating and self talk. There are many varieties of it. Mine was to be totally aware of my surroundings start off with 10 things I can hear right now and feel right now. Then nine things I can see right now hear right now feel right now. You get the idea and do this all while focusing on a rock or an object (necklace, stuffed animal whatever). The more you work on this technique as soon as you pick up the object you will automatically feel safe and calm. It worked for me I have a necklace I used with an amathyst crystal.
Anyway sorry to have rambled I know how you feel and want to help you get through this. You can and will. One step at a time!!! Lean on whoever is willing to let you!!!
If you are not on antidepressants, you should seriously consider checking in with your Doc -- You list a lot of depression symptoms -- Since some ADs take a while to take effect, Doc will likely also prescribe anti-anxiety meds for the meanwhile.
Thanks. You are not rambling at all. Just the fact that you are writing is helpful to me. Even though I know or do some of the stuff you mention it's useful to be reminded.
Physical activity used to be great for me before Dx. Right now, I get sick (cold/flu like symptoms) and exhausted even if I work out lightly. That's one of the things that's pissing me off massively as I cannot do what I used to do, I am much weaker and lost muscle mass.
That's especially true about night. I get a lot more anxious when I am up late alone at night. Some of these people are in other time zones so that helps.
Yesterday, I was a complete mess. I am better today. I took double dose of Lexapro 40mg (antidepressant SSRI) and 2mg of Ativan and watched TV for distraction. I also take Modafinil which is a stimulant. I do take all kinds of supplements like B50 complex.
sometimes I try to talk to my mother but she is also depressed and sick so sometimes I can help her and at other times she brings me down with her.
[quote=darkeyedlady0]I agree talking to a friend is great if you have one that can listen. I know that here in Canada we have and it is quite new I think but there is a number to call to connect and talk to people in the same situations and it runs 24/7. Night time is usually the worst time if someone is depressed nothing to do nowhere to go and can't sleep. Go figure by the time you get tired enough the sun is coming up.
Talking to your friend is a good idea. But honestly it takes a lot to do and I am working on it myself is physical activity. It emits endorphines and lowers anxiety. Also a tip I learned is that when a person is anxious or depressed Vitamin B12 can help control depressiion I am not sure how it works but it does...If any of these ideas helps that great and if not you may need to take some antidepresants. Alot of people going through this experience are on them and it is not permanent but it can help...
One other piece of information I was given and it helped me and again the "queen of anxious" was to concentrate one day at a time and even better one moment at a time. For the moment this moment I am ok and when you start to get worked self talk yourself. It connects into a whole line of meditating and self talk. There are many varieties of it. Mine was to be totally aware of my surroundings start off with 10 things I can hear right now and feel right now. Then nine things I can see right now hear right now feel right now. You get the idea and do this all while focusing on a rock or an object (necklace, stuffed animal whatever). The more you work on this technique as soon as you pick up the object you will automatically feel safe and calm. It worked for me I have a necklace I used with an amathyst crystal.
Anyway sorry to have rambled I know how you feel and want to help you get through this. You can and will. One step at a time!!! Lean on whoever is willing to let you!!! [/quote]
yes, I am massively depressed also, and tried a bunch of meds. Right now it's Lexapro, ativan, modafinil and gabapentin (which I am not really taking--they are supposed to help me kick addiction to Ativan). For some reason the Psychiatrist cancelled a bunch or appointments so I have not seen him in 4 months. He works part time at the Hospital. Thought I don't know what else he could do: I could switch to a different anti depressant or anxiolytic.
[quote=Pete D]If you are not on antidepressants, you should seriously consider checking in with your Doc -- You list a lot of depression symptoms -- Since some ADs take a while to take effect, Doc will likely also prescribe anti-anxiety meds for the meanwhile. [/quote]
Wow this sucks!!! Let's see I have been in that vicious circle physical activity helps but treatment not allowing it. I am hard on myself right now too. It is frustrating to want to or have been able to in the past do things and now can't it's more than grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....I live with someone who is depressed and have been afflicted with depression for almost 20 yrs now. I has taken me a long time to "deal" with it. Like talking to your mother who is depressed she loves you means well and wants to help but it is difficult for you I understand that concept. For many many years it took all I had just to get up in the morning and it is still a fight now and again. You cannot compare diseases but depression can be just a big a monster as others. They are all demonds. Depression like others can be beaten too!!! Yes it takes the right combination and support you just gotta keep trying. It is that magic potion what works for you. May not work for someone else. You need to focus on the "quality of life". A good friend reminded me of that in a note I read today and she is right we need to live for today and well now I am just sounding like a preacher lol but when it comes to some of these situations repitition of the positive can help! Keep after those professionals and if the one isn't working push to get another...Demand help...that is far too long to be without help when you are in your situation.
About loosing muscle mass I understand that one they keep telling me to walk that is really hard and physio I don't think I am doing anything am used to gym workouts but it is just remember baby steps start small and rebuilt we have to rebuild from ground level. Just gotta think like that train cept change it "I know I can" the mind is a powerful ally or foe you have to choose what side you want it on!! Please take care and keep reaching out you will find the combination and it will work... I know this sounds like fluff but it isn't I am a surviver of depression, many chronic pain issues and now cancer. You deserve a full and happy life and you can have it with baby steps...It never seems that you have made it very far but when you look back man what a distance you have travelled..
Have you tried journalling? It really helps...keeps organized too I know when that my brain is mush sometimes and writing things down helps..
I have not tried journalling; it's usually hard to do anything.
The biggest challenge is getting up after sleeping, in massive anxiety and being afraid to get up (over sleeping or spending time in bed then wacks the sleep cycle. How did you manage to overcome that.
I have a few observations for you. It is common (and therefore normal) to have depression creep into our lives during all phases of cancer. What you must not do is allow depression to rule your life. If it is or does you have little choice than professional help. (I mean competant professional help) and perhaps AD drugs. I do believe that we have the power to pull out of the path of depression.
I also believe that ANY physical activity is helpful. If you can walk two steps then you can walk 2 blocks. By moving around, your body and mind can start to recognize healing. You'll feel better, sleep better and dwell less on the negative.
Things will be hard but as Mark has said if you can take two steps...it works with even with journalling some things you just have to force yourself to do. Then it gets easier and then habbit then you will find you can't live without it.
As far a walking or anything if you have a mp3 or walkman of anykind play music that motivates it works the same as music to relax. Push yourself but gentle pushes.
Depression is like looking out accross a swinging bridge to the other side of greener pastures and sunshine...It is scary as hell. It is a long road..but you can break it up into sections and walk them off. Before you know it you are close to the other side and your confidence builds and you are there. You can do it.
You two said that very well. I know when I came out of that induced coma after just a few days and got to come home. I was like a baby learning to navigate again. I have a split entry home and couldn't walk the steps, I had to crawl up them I got in the bathtub the next morning and couldn't gat back out of it.. was laughing at myself and my helplessness. I tried to wind my schoolhouse clock, knowing I would end up on the floor. Yep, fell off the chair I was standing on.LOL Just keep laughing and get the deterkination that you are winning the ball game and gradually you will. I never eb=ven imagining not winning and did. I still stumble at times .
I am unaware that there are any other thyroid numbers other than TSH - are you confusing your other bloodwrks results?
Your doctor's nuts - cancer fatigue is a well known side effect of treatment and in fact the basis for SSDI claims.
Gary -
There are three levels in the blood that are tested for thyroid problems: TSH, T3 and T4. TSH seems to be the most common one that is tested although I had an endocrinologist who insisted that only showed part of the thyroid story so she always tested all three. My current doc only tests the TSH.
- Margaret
I have lab results in my personal files with T3, T4, T7, Free T4 and TSH -- My Doc usually only wants TSH.
I have, without a doubt, been dealing with anxiety/depression. I was in a meeting with my boss, my boss' boss and some other higher ups. That is the moment I had my panic attack. When all was said and done I was terrified to drive. Since my fiancee and I work together it was easy for me to avoid driving. After 2 days I decided I had to nip it in the bud. I drove my 45 minute drive on the PA turnpike to work. I stayed in the right lane and talked to myself to stay as calm as possible. Once I was close to work I cried uncontrollably. I was so excited that I did it. Now I can drive again. What I am saying is, you have to fight your fears. I know it is hard, I was so scared and felt like I couldn't breathe the whole time. But I'm so happy I did.
I also go to therapy and take Lexapro. Has your therapist told you about triggers and you need to get rid of them? In my case, smells were a real trigger. I got rid of the candles I used at those times and shampoo and body wash. I did other things that made a huge difference too. I put a slip cover on the couch so the house looked different. My favorit? I smashed all of my pain meds. That got rid of a lot of my frustration. I wish you luck and let me know if I can do anything to help!!
Why is she doing it? Is she trying to trick me out of it: as in I am bringing it on myself by thinking it? It mostly pisses me off; i.e. she does not want to help me and only cares that I am alive. She is a surgeon. She and the RO are constantly saying ask the other one. It's as if they are just interested in saving lives but not quality of life; maybe they have to do that in order to survive in their career. or use their time to save more lives vs. worrying about more minor patient problems.
[quote=Gary]
Your doctor's nuts - cancer fatigue is a well known side effect of treatment and in fact the basis for SSDI claims. [/quote]
That's true; TSH only shows part of the story.
http://www.endocrineweb.com/tests.htmlOncologists are not trained in this and often don't care anyway. Endocrinologists are much more knowledgable, thorough and helpful.
Just because TSH and thyroid are in range does not mean they are in range for your age. e.g. Testosterone for a 40yr old should be 500-600. If it's 300, it's low even if 300 is normal range in the lab.
[quote=margaret_in_ma]Gary -
There are three levels in the blood that are tested for thyroid problems: TSH, T3 and T4. TSH seems to be the most common one that is tested although I had an endocrinologist who insisted that only showed part of the thyroid story so she always tested all three. My current doc only tests the TSH.
- Margaret [/quote]
This is true, but it's been 18 monhts since Tx for me and I'm still messed up.
[quote=EzJim] You two said that very well. I know when I came out of that induced coma after just a few days and got to come home. I was like a baby learning to navigate again. I have a split entry home and couldn't walk the steps, I had to crawl up them I got in the bathtub the next morning and couldn't gat back out of it.. was laughing at myself and my helplessness. I tried to wind my schoolhouse clock, knowing I would end up on the floor. Yep, fell off the chair I was standing on.LOL Just keep laughing and get the deterkination that you are winning the ball game and gradually you will. I never eb=ven imagining not winning and did. I still stumble at times . [/quote]
this is true. When I fight the fears I can usually break thru, but often I don't begin to fight or take too long to do it.
Triggers are everywhere: I've been afraid of my room, using the computer, getting out of the house, getting back to the house, watching TV, anything that reminds me of a fear I experienced.
I don't know about the therapist. It's almost as if we are not getting along. I think he is pressing my buttons on purpose so that I would work on the problems, but it does not feel supportive, nor do I feel better after sessions.
[quote=suzanne98]I have, without a doubt, been dealing with anxiety/depression. I was in a meeting with my boss, my boss' boss and some other higher ups. That is the moment I had my panic attack. When all was said and done I was terrified to drive. Since my fiancee and I work together it was easy for me to avoid driving. After 2 days I decided I had to nip it in the bud. I drove my 45 minute drive on the PA turnpike to work. I stayed in the right lane and talked to myself to stay as calm as possible. Once I was close to work I cried uncontrollably. I was so excited that I did it. Now I can drive again. What I am saying is, you have to fight your fears. I know it is hard, I was so scared and felt like I couldn't breathe the whole time. But I'm so happy I did.
I also go to therapy and take Lexapro. Has your therapist told you about triggers and you need to get rid of them? In my case, smells were a real trigger. I got rid of the candles I used at those times and shampoo and body wash. I did other things that made a huge difference too. I put a slip cover on the couch so the house looked different. My favorit? I smashed all of my pain meds. That got rid of a lot of my frustration. I wish you luck and let me know if I can do anything to help!! [/quote]
If you don't feel a bond with your therapist you should find another one. I went to one and we didn't click. Then I found the therapist I currently go to. I know it is time consuming and can be daunting but you will be happy you did it. You may have mentioned this, how long have you been feeling this way?
Do you have a support system? You are right, the docs don't seem to care what happens after treatment. I have found my primary doc to be a huge help. She sits and listens to me and helps me work through it all.
Don't expect your therapist to be "supportive" if you are doing the wrong things... Simplistically, your therapist should be getting YOU to see what's wrong and exposing you to the tools to deal with it, be they techniques or medication.
I don't feel a bond. It's almost like I dislike him. I have heard the opinion that sometimes these therapists who are unpleasant are purposely doing it to get you to deal with the issues (esp freudian psychoanalysis: this one is not) so I am debating whether I should stay with him or not.
I don't really have a support system. My primary doc is the surgeon: she is very quick, will try to help but definitely not listen. I am getting financial support from that hospital and they feel I should get help with emotional issues outside the hospital (they have a therapist but I think they are only providing very short term help during actual Tx).
I became pretty scared 2 years ago when I was diagnosed and became much worse physically/emotionally during radiation treatment.
I had some depression before but nothing like this and no constant anxiety.
[quote=suzanne98]If you don't feel a bond with your therapist you should find another one. I went to one and we didn't click. Then I found the therapist I currently go to. I know it is time consuming and can be daunting but you will be happy you did it. You may have mentioned this, how long have you been feeling this way?
Do you have a support system? You are right, the docs don't seem to care what happens after treatment. I have found my primary doc to be a huge help. She sits and listens to me and helps me work through it all. [/quote]
What do you mean by wrong things?
[quote=Pete D]Don't expect your therapist to be "supportive" if you are doing the wrong things... Simplistically, your therapist should be getting YOU to see what's wrong and exposing you to the tools to deal with it, be they techniques or medication. [/quote]
I really think it is important you find another therapist. You need to place yourself around positive people as much as possible. The first time I met my therapist I broke down in sobs after she closed the door...lol That is how I knew I found the person. With the first therapist I felt I had to be strong and act like I was fine.
As far as a support system, use us!!! I know it's not the same as family and/or friends and I can only imagine how hard it is. But I check this website all day everyday and will be here to listen to you anytime.
"...gabapentin (which I am not really taking--they are supposed to help me kick addiction to Ativan)."
"I think he is pressing my buttons on purpose so that I would work on the problems,..."
I read into the second quote that you are NOT working on the problems...
If you aren't getting what you need from the therapist, then it seems to me that a new therapist is the next step.
Cognitive therapy varies all over the map. In my personal experience and it is expensive and time consuming to find a good one (personal recommendations or referals from your MO or cancer support group may help in the quest). I swear that some of these Psychologists spent so much time in therapy themselves for their disfunctions that they became therapists (God help us)! Some people go to open (you don't have to admit that you're an alcoholic) AA meetings for a poor mans type of therapy. I also had to deal with post Tx anger and went to several anger management classes at my church and I fould that exceptionally helpful.
The role of the psychiatrist is to manage your medications and keep your brain chemistry clinically balanced. This can be a daunting experience and much trial and error may be utilized until they get you "dialed in" with the right meds. If you are not responding well to the meds, get an immediate appointment for a re-evaluation.
I agree with Gary. I used to cry everytime I went to ENT (and he
acted like he didn't see) I could not help it. I would get so mad
at myself!! But I see now that it was depression and I quess he wanted no part of that.
I finally was asked to be referred to a Psyc and he was recovering
from THyroid cancer! He didn't even listen, he just gave me free samples of Lexapro and told me how to take them and see ya! They made me sick, so I quit and starting walking briskly becasue the
depression I had was from a lack of seratonin. At least I found that out and got on internet to figure out how to boost it naturally. Now I take nothing. There are some bad days, but I don't think it's depression- but I just get plain scared.
It really is hard to find a therapist. I tried with my mother
years ago and it was a nightmare!.
I wish you luck. Start walking and keep busy-keep the mind busy.
Take care
Debbie
th
I get plain scared too sometimes. I think we all do....what we are dealing with is not a walk in the park.
Fear seems to be the nature of this beast....I am living proof to what extent fear can consume someone. I am to this day(the surgeon said he got everything and all clear)constantly feeling around my neck looking in my mouth every chance I get. Paranoid yes...scared as heck...of course...this was one of the scariest ordeals I have had in my life time. How will I react if something shows up weird I don't know yet have no clue, but I thank my lucky stars there are good people here to help me through. I am slowly moving forward step by step, moment by moment, day by day. If I have learned one thing yes it is good to plan but emotionally coping works to live in the moment.
I always check my tongue too. So much so that we keep a flashlight on the coffee table b/c I have Ray (my fiancee) check it all the time.
Has everyone heard the Jason Mraz song? There is a line in it where he says he's always checking his tongue in the mirror...I always smile when I hear it.
I have found that the more time and distance I log since the end of Tx the less that I worry about my ordeal. I also think helping others go thru this ordeal makes me feel like I'm accomplished something good. Today recurrence is pretty much not a thought in my mind.
Wish I could say that with you David, My throat hurts so bad and my mouth so dry when I wake in the morning after one of many short sleeps.Now it's starting to hurt where the surgery was for the dissection. That is the only time I pay any attention to it. Brush the mouth and swish a little then go for the Coffee Pot.
[quote=suzanne98]I always check my tongue too. So much so that we keep a flashlight on the coffee table b/c I have Ray (my fiancee) check it all the time.[/quote]
I find that if I check my mouth too often, changes may sneak up on me -- So, I check about once a week or so.
Since there are two of you, why not take some digital photos? I did that with my first tumor and was surprised how much it obviously grew in a short time.
I recommend taking them outside in daylight so the lens is stopped down and the depth of field is such that you can get some really good detail.
I had a good day or two and today I am scared again. It's amazing where my thought go-I could go visit a neighbor. It's a very old couple (like grandma and grandpa: their daughter and her baby are sometimes there). But no, I am sitting here afraid that I will be a bother or not have enough energy to be properly social and have a normal conversation; I am too tired to go "I may as well just sit here and rest."....
when i get down like that i push myself to break it before it grabs too strong of a hold. i know it is hard but it will only get worse if we do not manage it. i find it is worse when i am sitting around the house a lot and not keeping busy. if i am out and about or helping others in any way small or large, i forget about me and feel happy (even if i am in pain i am happy on the inside)
go visit those neighbors, go for a walk, make something for a friend, go to the park and feed the birds, make some cookies and take them to the senior center to treat them and make them smile ...
when we focus on others we lose site of ourselves ... when we stay focused on us and our own problems it only makes the worse.
Hope you find some peace soon - living with inner turmoil wears us out emotionally and physically.
**HUGS to you**
ONE MORE THING ...
you may also be lacking some vital nutrients / vitamins / minerals when you are feeling real low too ... if you have that feeling of i just want to sit here and let the world go by, at times this can show a low iron state ..
may want to ask your MD to run a bloodtest and see if you are having some physical reason for the mental feelings
I agree with Rita. TRT...when I told you about my driving I was REALLY SCARED...PETRIFIED. I'm not sure how I did it but I knew I had to. It was bad for a while but it finally got better. The more times I did it, the better it was.
I understand how scary it is, I really do. Like Rita said, try to do something before it gets a it's hold you.
You are in my thoughts everyday. Remember...everytime you do something that scares you it will ger easier. I'm sure your neighbors know what your going through and are just happy to see you. Use the people in your life to help you.
Go do it because THEY need a visit from YOU! Leave when you get tired or whatever -- Journey of thousand miles begins with single step and all that stuf!
You are getting some really good advice. It is really hard but it is easier than you think. I know it sounds wierd but after you have accomplished a small step. You will be so proud and that brings confidence it is like starting a domino effect in a good direction!!!
It does all start with one small step!!!! Go you can do it...we are behind you...gotta look at worse case scenarios...it isn't killing you so it can't hurt you!!!
yes, that's the feeling, no motivation, too scared to do anything. I don't think I've been tested for iron. Endo nurse mentioned B12. I am taking a B stress complex however.
[quote=azcallin]ONE MORE THING ...
you may also be lacking some vital nutrients / vitamins / minerals when you are feeling real low too ... if you have that feeling of i just want to sit here and let the world go by, at times this can show a low iron state ..
may want to ask your MD to run a bloodtest and see if you are having some physical reason for the mental feelings[/quote]
i would have a panel ran in case it is something besides just plain old meany butt anxiety. yeah, the b vitamins are important for the mind to keep it at a normal keel but if energy is being affected too, i would think there may (may) be more to it ... as for the fear ... do the easiest baby steps first and do one step ay a time and push yourself to work beyond it. i know that may sound impossible but i know it is not, because i have been there .. only we can push ourselves. just try small things one at a time, and work your way up so you can conquer that fear because you do not want it to keep you as a prisoner, that is not a fun life.
i wish you well my dear and hope to hear you posting that you are conquering this soon. and hey when you struggle there is nothing wrong with seeking help. we all need help here and there from time to time, so seek the help you need but do the parts you can do on your own. you will look back and have much to be thankful for and proud of when you do **HUGS**
Yesterday I got really sick, diarrhea, nausea, strong headache, massive weakness and this pain pressure in the chest throat area.
Panic attack, too. It seems when I get really weak I am more likely to panic/feel hopeless.
It's hardest for me to seek help when I feel worst and need help most.
I am better today but still weak
what kind of panel?
[quote=azcallin]i would have a panel ran in case it is something besides just plain old meany butt anxiety. [/quote]
I ended up going after writing my note. But I am having trouble making myself believing they need a visit from me, esp when they have their daughter and her child. It's more like I need them.
[quote=Pete D]Go do it because THEY need a visit from YOU! Leave when you get tired or whatever -- Journey of thousand miles begins with single step and all that stuf! [/quote]
One thought hopefully you can comprehend in your state of mind it is ok to need the help of others. In fact it is more than ok. But also some people do need visits even if they have family. Change is good and you could bring something to them that family didn't...It is the old glass half full analogy...
Panic attacks can feel like real heart attacks can feel like a lot of things. Self talk at times like you experience can help put you in a different frame of mind. If you feel wierd talking to yourself talk to a stuffed animal or a pet or a rock for that matter. And breathe...breathing is very important during a panic attack. Concentrate on breathing. Count in through your nose...as long as you can then exhale through your mouth and starting counting the breath out. Gosh reading this back sound as clear as mud. Wish I could express better but I just know from my experience how concentrating on breathing brought me out of anxity attacks. They are horrible and real. But they are treatable and you can start to take control over them.
i am meaning a normal blood workup panel... one they would do for a normal annual exam most times. just ask your doc if he/she can check you for your symptoms by seeing if you are low on any vitamins or minerals in the blood ...
glad you went for a visit. while the visits will be good for you, yes, I am sure they enjoy visits from more than just their daughter... so it is a multi purpose visit
and hey, nothing wrong with it even if it were just for you.
[quote=trt]I ended up going after writing my note. But I am having trouble making myself believing they need a visit from me, esp when they have their daughter and her child. It's more like I need them.
[quote=Pete D]Go do it because THEY need a visit from YOU! Leave when you get tired or whatever -- Journey of thousand miles begins with single step and all that stuf! [/quote] [/quote]
Needs can be a two-way street! However, if it actually adds to your stress, then it's not a good thing.
At this time in our lives we need people. If they are there for you to talk to and help though some hard times...do it:)
I'm glad you were able to get out...I'm proud of you. One step at a time.
I know what you're going through. I'm susceptible to depression--had mild forms of it most of my life. Most of it comes from wondering, "What's the point of life? What is death like?" etc.... I was just too aware of the human condition. I get into long bouts of depression and anxiety when it came to health issues. Several years ago, it got bad and I had to see some cardiologists to see if I had heart problems. Luckily, I didn't, but for a couple years afterwards I was worried there were going to be problems and that caused my blood pressure to rise. It was a vicious cycle. I would get worried, my blood pressure would go up, I would take my blood pressure, and it would stress me out even more. I finally had to learn that it was all in my head, and even if it wasn't, it was out of my control. I just had to let go. Once I learned that, I got my worries under control and my blood pressure returned back to normal.
Now i've got new worries, but I know now my personality is to always worry about things. I think it's a self defense mechanism to prepare for the worst. It sucks. People shouldn't worry about shit so much, especially death. I think that's the fundamental flaw of our society and culture: death isn't embraced, it's ignored. And society is too focused on being "successful" and making lots of money. I think that causes needless worry and stress.
Anyways, i've been to therapists, and most of them suck. I've talked to others who've been and they think they're a waste of time too. I've finally found one, though, that has dealt with his own issues of depression, anxiety, and pain management. He is really good. After several sessions with him, i've felt much better. He also told me of his experiences with anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I never went that route, but I know others that have and offered the same advice for drugs. Too bad he is in NorCal.
I've been trying to get out of the house more and socialize.
I went to central coast of CA for a coupla days with a friend. He is unfortunately extremely antisocial, critical and judgmental and constantly spewed negative comments which was too unpleasant for me. I think I could handle it before because we never spent 2 days together so I could laugh at it.
It's good as a distraction but I experience increased fatigue and anxiety the next day. People are also noticing that I am tired so I feel guilty and inadequate as I am not as social as they are. My social skills are not very high either and I think I'll blurt out something that I don't realize is judgmental and turn off the other person.
The most important thing I would like to respond to is....you have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. You need positive peole around you who will help you're healing. Try to do that as much as possible.
Definitely stay away from Mr Personality, now and forever more IMHO.
Yeah, I would stay away from negative types. That's only gonna drain you even more. I've been there and done that, and realized it's just a waste of time and energy. Who knows how long you have left on this planet. You should make the most out of the next few years.
This is all true. Unfortunately I could not get any of the other few positive people to go so he was the only one left. I thought maybe this is better than going alone but actually it's worse.
I think it's hard for me to attract anyone positive because my energy is so low. I keep getting sick which makes me even more exhausted so it's such an effort to even talk to others and I actually have to make new friends which exhausts me.
TRT,
When I read your posts I notice they have an "unhappy" tone. I'm sure what I'm going to say is nothing you have not heard before but...our minds are very powerful. If you keep referring to yourself as "low energy" "exhausted" " such an effort to talk to people" all of these things will remain the same in your life.
In the past I always blew people who talked like I am now. However, I truly believe it now. If we tell ourselves we can do somethnig, regardless if it is mental or physical we can do it. Do you like to read? There are so many good books out there on the power of the mind.
I know you have tried therapists but we also have to look at ourselves at times like this. You should try to reach within and get your strength from that. Take baby steps..remember, one day at a time. I have told you my story so you know I have gone through some hard times. My aunt and I emailed all day sometimes just to get me through the work day. I will be that person for you. I know you can do it...I'm here for you. I wold love to see you get past this.
As always, let me know what I can do.
Being a cancer survivor can be difficult. Sometimes we tend to think way too much about the whole ordeal we have endured and it can become overwhelming. Seems that only cancer patients or their caregivers truly understand how awful cancer really is, especially oral cancer.
Happiness is contagious. Try to avoid the negative people and seek out the ones who are more positive and it will help you to feel better. Some days its easier than others to do this. I always try to keep away from the grouchy ones at work. It only leaves me feeling rotten when I talk with them and they start complaining and I tell them to cheer up, things could be worse. It gets irritating to me when I must tell someone who is perfectly healthy (in my eyes) that their latest sniffle will be ok.
A good doctor and therapist can help to make all the difference too. Have you discussed all of theses things you mentioned with your family doctor or someone who specializes more in that type of field? Sometimes it takes a few tries before you find the right fit with a specialist that you are comfortable with.
Hope you start to feel better soon. Its a new year, lets try to make it a good one
trt,
Are you taking anything for depression?
You are right. I don't know how to get out of that. I have read many books and tried many things. My negative voice is very strong and I am very easily pushed into negative territory. The fatigue/constant illness and weakness make it harder. I don't handle illness very well even when it's minor. I don't deal with loss/grief very well. A lot of trouble accepting the loss of physical ability etc. I think I may be genetically predisposed as my parents are similar. My mother is pretty depressed.
[quote=suzanne98]TRT,
When I read your posts I notice they have an "unhappy" tone. I'm sure what I'm going to say is nothing you have not heard before but...our minds are very powerful. If you keep referring to yourself as "low energy" "exhausted" " such an effort to talk to people" all of these things will remain the same in your life.
In the past I always blew people who talked like I am now. However, I truly believe it now. If we tell ourselves we can do somethnig, regardless if it is mental or physical we can do it. Do you like to read? There are so many good books out there on the power of the mind.
I know you have tried therapists but we also have to look at ourselves at times like this. You should try to reach within and get your strength from that. Take baby steps..remember, one day at a time. I have told you my story so you know I have gone through some hard times. My aunt and I emailed all day sometimes just to get me through the work day. I will be that person for you. I know you can do it...I'm here for you. I wold love to see you get past this.
As always, let me know what I can do. [/quote]
I take Lexapro. Provigil for energy (without this I'd have even less energy). I think it helps a little.
I've tried others but usually they have some side effect that makes me worse like making me sleepy.
[quote=davidcpa]trt,
Are you taking anything for depression? [/quote]
This is very true but I can't seem to do it.
The home environment is toxic; I cannot seem to attract people who are positive due to lack of energy and social skills and they probably sense that I have nothing to offer them.
[quote=suzanne98]The most important thing I would like to respond to is....you have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. You need positive peole around you who will help you're healing. Try to do that as much as possible. [/quote]
One of the problems is that I have no insurance so my choice of doctors is limited; I take what I can get and recently they've been tightening the financial assistance. My primary doc is a surgeon who is not very interested in issues apart from removing the tumor; she does refer me to other specialists which is useful but I do not have a primary doctor. I do see a psychiatrist and I am working on finding another therapist.
[quote=ChristineB]Being a cancer survivor can be difficult. Sometimes we tend to think way too much about the whole ordeal we have endured and it can become overwhelming. Seems that only cancer patients or their caregivers truly understand how awful cancer really is, especially oral cancer.
Happiness is contagious. Try to avoid the negative people and seek out the ones who are more positive and it will help you to feel better. Some days its easier than others to do this. I always try to keep away from the grouchy ones at work. It only leaves me feeling rotten when I talk with them and they start complaining and I tell them to cheer up, things could be worse. It gets irritating to me when I must tell someone who is perfectly healthy (in my eyes) that their latest sniffle will be ok.
A good doctor and therapist can help to make all the difference too. Have you discussed all of theses things you mentioned with your family doctor or someone who specializes more in that type of field? Sometimes it takes a few tries before you find the right fit with a specialist that you are comfortable with.
Hope you start to feel better soon. Its a new year, lets try to make it a good one
[/quote]
Do you have a significant other? I know my trip was 1000 times better because I had my wife by my side.
Hi TRT,
I'm kind of a stranger hopping in here, I've just been reading through these posts. I had horrible, horrible problems with depression following my first round of Tx. It was worst when I was in the process of getting off the pain meds (like Fentanyl, oxycontin, etc). But it persisted long after and I still struggle with it on and off. I'm on both Wellbutrin and Prozac now. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I'm on these meds, like ashamed that I have this problem of depression. But my wife reminds me that it's a legitimate medical condition caused by imbalances in the body and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a good thing she reminds me because I really struggle, even when I go in to the doc and they ask me to update what meds I'm on.
I'm in the middle of my second recurrence now, with cancer in both lungs. They're telling me there's not a lot they can do except try to prolong things, although I seem to be responding a little bit to the chemo Tx. I'm actually finding myself less prone to being depressed since this recurrence started because I'm so focused on getting through it and figuring out what I can do (if anything) to survive and make it through this thing.
I just wanted to encourage you. As you've seen from all these posts, the depression is something most of us have run into or struggled with at some point post Tx, and there's a lot of us that still struggle with it. It all started for me in Feb 06 and it's still a struggle today. The advice about surrounding yourself with people who lift you up and who you enjoy being around is good, good advice.
I wish you the best. Don't forget you have a lot of people here who care about you and want to help support you.
-Steve
Steve I think there is something to be said and agreed upon with what you said concerning the reoccurance and being focused on the treatment. I think that is my situation as well. I was so busy just doing what had to be done that now I am trying to sort out how I feel and dealing with the fall out. This is defenately not a walk in the park. But life always still goes on and we keep putting one foot in front of the other...
I couldn't agree more. When we are faced with treatment and surviving everything else takes a back seat. I guess that's good but I sure did find that part to be easier. Once my tx was over and the reality set it the depression and anxiety were so hard. It's really nice we all have each other.
No, I am going thru a divorce which is stressing me big time. I think it would be much easier if I had support at home or a significant other. I am having a lot of trouble attracting women (or even trying) due to lack of energy, anxiety, poor social skills, not going out etc. If I do try something, the stress makes me sick.
[quote=davidcpa]Do you have a significant other? I know my trip was 1000 times better because I had my wife by my side. [/quote]
thanks for the words of encouragement. I also feel a fair amount of fear of even telling people that I am depressed. I think it's esp. dangerous in general to tell other men (who have not experienced depression/cancer) as they don't get it (not socially acceptable for men to be depressed) and may actually avoid you. Women are safer and often offer support.
I feel sometimes that I experience much more fear of illness than is normal. I am not sure why exactly. Even minor stuff depresses/scares me and makes me worse. Cancer is far beyond minor and I can't seem to deal. It's as if people with much more serious/non treatable illness handle it better than I do.
[quote=Steve J.]Hi TRT,
I'm kind of a stranger hopping in here, I've just been reading through these posts. I had horrible, horrible problems with depression following my first round of Tx. It was worst when I was in the process of getting off the pain meds (like Fentanyl, oxycontin, etc). But it persisted long after and I still struggle with it on and off. I'm on both Wellbutrin and Prozac now. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I'm on these meds, like ashamed that I have this problem of depression. But my wife reminds me that it's a legitimate medical condition caused by imbalances in the body and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a good thing she reminds me because I really struggle, even when I go in to the doc and they ask me to update what meds I'm on.
I'm in the middle of my second recurrence now, with cancer in both lungs. They're telling me there's not a lot they can do except try to prolong things, although I seem to be responding a little bit to the chemo Tx. I'm actually finding myself less prone to being depressed since this recurrence started because I'm so focused on getting through it and figuring out what I can do (if anything) to survive and make it through this thing.
I just wanted to encourage you. As you've seen from all these posts, the depression is something most of us have run into or struggled with at some point post Tx, and there's a lot of us that still struggle with it. It all started for me in Feb 06 and it's still a struggle today. The advice about surrounding yourself with people who lift you up and who you enjoy being around is good, good advice.
I wish you the best. Don't forget you have a lot of people here who care about you and want to help support you.
-Steve [/quote]
MEDS: I don't know that to do with these. I think the shrink I see is pretty good (he is my only choice at the CCC), but I wonder if it's possible to feel better using other meds. He tried adding other stuff to anti depressants like Abilify/Zyprexa etc. but these seem to be heavy duty meds which put me to sleep and may have more scary side effects. This does not work with fatigue.
He sometimes says that he does not know what else to try. He prescribed Pristiq (spell?) which is the new version of Effexor. Effexor boosts my energy but also gives me high blood pressure and makes me a little manic/out of control which is not a good thing. I wonder if Pristiq will work out.
Does taking multiple anti depressants work?
A shrink friend of mine told me recently that Lexapro and Cymbalta are the two most effective ones for her in her practice -- Cymbalta didn't work for me, but Lexapro does.
Yes, if something such as Lexapro, Cymbalta or Effexor (among the most commonly prescribed for anxiety and depression) don't work sufficiently, then many psychopharmacists will add 1 or more meds to try to stabilize mood, increase energy, etc. I think that the best way to look at antidepressants, etc. is that the goal is to lessen anxiety or depression sufficiently to allow the individual to engage more fully in life.
Hey trt,
Lawsuits and divorce are very stressful and is a normal cause for depression. I went through something similiar a few months ago, and depressed the hell out of me for months. After it was over, I felt so high on life again. You and I have the kind of personalities that are prone to not dealing with stress well. Our natural inclination towards stress is depression. My friend has a different reaction to depression; he gets mad at it. It helps him out. I've tried that route, and it seems to be working for me too.
Take it one day at a time. It'll get better. Find a good therapist that deals with depression and anxiety. Then find some goals to work on.
A new relationship can bring a lot of unneeded emotions to so be careful about getting what you want.
I wouldn't go out looking for a new relationship right now. You have a lot on the table...if you meet someone and something happens then that's great. But, I would just concentrate on making yourself feeling better...Do something that makes you "happy"--for example, going to my local SPCA and taking a few dogs for a walk or petting a few others or dropping off old sheets and blankets or dog food to the shelter makes my heart sing. Do something that makes you feel "happy".
I'm trying to talk my GF into fostering a dog...We'll see how that works out.
how do you get mad at it?
I think that I am actually pretty angry but Lexapro is toning it down. Also I am constantly sick with colds/flus so there is not enough energy to become angry. I am constantly just trying to avoid stress and running away from everything by distracting myself.
[quote=MSG]Hey trt,
Lawsuits and divorce are very stressful and is a normal cause for depression. I went through something similiar a few months ago, and depressed the hell out of me for months. After it was over, I felt so high on life again. You and I have the kind of personalities that are prone to not dealing with stress well. Our natural inclination towards stress is depression. My friend has a different reaction to depression; he gets mad at it. It helps him out. I've tried that route, and it seems to be working for me too.
Take it one day at a time. It'll get better. Find a good therapist that deals with depression and anxiety. Then find some goals to work on. [/quote]
I was hoping that it would actually energize me or lift me out of depression. I think the lack of a relationship is making me unhappy as I am so used to it after 20 years. On the other hand if I try to look for it I get more sick as there is not enough energy. I am not sure I can attract anyone in this state.
[quote=davidcpa]A new relationship can bring a lot of unneeded emotions to so be careful about getting what you want. [/quote]
Be proud of yourself for posting about the emotional side of cancer. I am thrilled that you are dealing with it openly and are working hard to find the right balance of medication and therapy. Far far too many men don't seek help when they should - with horrible results.
KNOW that your feelings are not unusual. I have a brother in law who had kidney cancer 10 years ago and he tells me now that without DENIAL he never would have made it through. How does that go "Denial is more than a river in Egypt". We all deal with it differently. No right or wrong way.
One day at a time, on foot in front of the other. Take care of youself first - and only if/when you feel you are ready - then you can think about new relationships in your life.
Take care.
Donna
thanks. I am also having a lot of trouble with it and not sure which is the best way for men. i.e. ignore the emotion and just pretend I am ok or accept the weakness. I think this is a lot tougher for men due to their psychological build, social conditioning. A part of me is fairly angry about not being able to just handle it myself without help of others and pissed off that I am weak or whining. I would probably much prefer to be independant and self sufficient and maybe want the help of others vs. need it. This still happens when I have to struggle to ask for help or reach out. I may think that I am allowing myself to stay depressed by not fighting and it's my fault.
I post here, but I did not tell anyone about OC during treatment and still don't tell most people. I would not mention depression; mostly I'd say I am tired, miserable, have fatigue or something like that.
I may even try to pretend I am normal on an occasional good day; this of course will make me stressed and immunity will go down. This last time I've been sick for 2 weeks. It's useful to have a place like this forum and I appreciate the kind words and support.
[quote=Pandora99]Be proud of yourself for posting about the emotional side of cancer. I am thrilled that you are dealing with it openly and are working hard to find the right balance of medication and therapy. Far far too many men don't seek help when they should - with horrible results.
KNOW that your feelings are not unusual. I have a brother in law who had kidney cancer 10 years ago and he tells me now that without DENIAL he never would have made it through. How does that go "Denial is more than a river in Egypt". We all deal with it differently. No right or wrong way.
One day at a time, on foot in front of the other. Take care of youself first - and only if/when you feel you are ready - then you can think about new relationships in your life.
Take care.
Donna [/quote]
Woke up today pretty scared. I've been sick for about 5 weeks. now with flu symptoms. Even more fatigue, sore throat, headache, muscle pain. It's really annoying as it's making me even more housebound. I saw a doctor and he said it's viral there is nothing to do.
I managed to pull/hurt my hip flexor and this hurts a lot especially at night and I am waking up. This is probably increasing the anxiety.
I am getting more and more physically weak esp. due to the flu/whatever.
I noticed a small lump/something in my testicle. great
I emailed my primary oncologist/doc to see whether a physical therapist would be useful to somehow help me gradually get stronger but she did not respond. oh well.
An acquaintance from abroad (friend of my brother/family) said he would call today and I am actually experiencing stress over that; it's as if I wanted to avoid the computer. Finally I managed to look at my calendar to see what appointments I may have today.
Has anyone managed to become positive and optimistic, seeing the good in things after naturally being negative, pessimistic and only seeing what's wrong. How?
Hi TRT,
For the most part I have always been a happy person. Is there anything in your life that you are happy about? Or, is there anything that you like to do? It is very easy to think about the bad in life but there has to be something that brings a smile to your face. What are those things?
I find it helpful to stop occasionally and hold my current worries up to the light to see how important they really are in the big picture -- And as we all now know, some things are a LOT less important than others wnen compared to the cancer.
I'm gald to hear you have that type of outlook. That is important.
I couldn't agree more about the comparison to cancer. I was watching Hell's Kitchen last night and this girl was sobbing over a hurt ankle. I thought...PLEASE. GIVE ME A BREAK. I don't know how she would deal when something bad actually happened to her.
I think it's much easier if you are a natural optimist.
There are some things about which I am happy like my daughter. They can temporarily take me away from the pain/loneliness or distract me.
The next day, oesp in the morning, the fear and catastrophizing are back.
I managed to find a therapist to see me for 6 sessions. She also wanted me to go that route. Find 3 things that I enjoy ,do them for half hour each day and note the feelings. I've only been able to do one thing
Sometimes I am almost afraid of doing something that I like for fear of coloring it negatively, somewhat like not eating favorite foods during Tx for fear of associating them with Tx.
Often I find something wrong even with the pleasant things or activities I enjoy.
The loss of physical ability, injuries and illness make it harder to deal.
I've hurt my hip and it's now been 2 weeks. It wakes me up at night. For about 6 weeks I've had flus/colds and whatever. Right not I have a strong headache feel more fatigue etc
[quote=suzanne98]Hi TRT,
For the most part I have always been a happy person. Is there anything in your life that you are happy about? Or, is there anything that you like to do? It is very easy to think about the bad in life but there has to be something that brings a smile to your face. What are those things? [/quote]
yeah, I used to be depressed about back pain. Now I only wish I could have back pain. Unfortunately I can't seem to do that with divorce or loss of standard of living.
Another thing is that I am in my early 40s and feel like I have not accomplished much or did much of what I wanted to do (dying in fear). I think it's easier when a person is happy with their life and feels accomplished, did what they wanted and is ok with dying (dying peacefully).
I kept putting things off or was to afraid to try. Now that there is probably not much time left I don't have the capacity, strength or will. I also seem to be lacking in purpose (purpose in life).
[quote=Pete D]I find it helpful to stop occasionally and hold my current worries up to the light to see how important they really are in the big picture -- And as we all now know, some things are a LOT less important than others wnen compared to the cancer. [/quote]
[quote]I kept putting things off or was to afraid to try. Now that there is probably not much time left I don't have the capacity, strength or will.[/quote]
So, since you didn't get around to doing all the things you day-dreamed about doing, you are going to die with a low score? So what?
YOU made that list and YOU can change it.
When I was in adverse circumstances, military training cycles, Vietnam, bad time at work, etc., I would visualize places I'd rather be and things I'd rather be doing -- I still haven't done most of those things and most likely never will -- So what?
"Regret is the ultimate in self-abuse." Travis McGee as written by John D. MacDonald
that's a good point. I have to get out of the negative frame of ming (funny sp mistake I meant: mind) somehow.
The meds change caused slightly less anxiety, but now anger is surfacing and I find it returning about the treatment and all the fucked up stuff/sufering I went through due to lack of energy, support and docs who don't care.
Before I knew the tumor is malignant, having no insurance, I stupidly went to County USC where some unsupervised student cretin in training (Dr Yu, I think) did a biopsy on my palate with a scalpel and no analgesic. I remember the nurse asking him "is it sterile". He injected something which was probably expired..., or did not wait long enough. It was the most pain I ever experienced in my life. This was like a horror movie in a 3rd world country war prison/hospital. This is where my anxiety began: great beginning for treatment.
Of course I was alone without anyone to help or support. Just walking into that hospital is scary. The whole place should be burned down. The way patients are treated like garbage/experimental rats, without any concern for their well being angry bureaucrats. It's more like a Nazi concentration camp focused on getting people out asap.
When he was finished he just left. I felt dizzy and traumatized. The nurse immediately asked me if I am ready to go home even though I looked like I might fall/faint any second.
On the way down in a daze I somehow got into an elevator that was meant just for staff/docs. Noone said anything but when we reached the first floor and got out, a young female doc angrily told me not to use that elevator.
When I tried to get the med records, they just delayed them for weeks and never sent them. I stupidly lost a few weeks there and could have been treated earlier. I should have just gone into surgery immediately as the doc said it's the same treatment for benign and she can biopsy during surgery. But no I stupidly waited for results and more tests at the new place to make sure it's malignant.
[quote=Pete D][quote]I kept putting things off or was to afraid to try. Now that there is probably not much time left I don't have the capacity, strength or will.[/quote]
So, since you didn't get around to doing all the things you day-dreamed about doing, you are going to die with a low score? So what?
YOU made that list and YOU can change it.
When I was in adverse circumstances, military training cycles, Vietnam, bad time at work, etc., I would visualize places I'd rather be and things I'd rather be doing -- I still haven't done most of those things and most likely never will -- So what?
"Regret is the ultimate in self-abuse." Travis McGee as written by John D. MacDonald [/quote]
TRT,
I'm a little bit confused. Are you still being treated at the hospital where you had a bad experience? It sounds to me like you need to start taking control of your life. Everyone has feelings that they could do more or be more. And the thing is...you can. You can make changes in your life. 40 is young. You have plenty of time to accomplish what you want in life.
TRT
What do you WANT to accomplish in your life? 40 is no where close to finished cancer or no cancer.
Patty
TRT:
Im sorry you are going thru such an awful time right now. Maybe I missed it, but are you still taking any meds for this? Is the therapist helping?
Yeah, we can all feel upset about being dealth a bad hand with having oral cancer, but that doesnt change it. If I sit around and scrutinize my life I get upset at how things are then I get mad at myself for doing that. Ive been sick for almost 2 years now and still am not back to how I was before, which stinks! These things bother me just like what you have written about.
Being in my 40s, I dont consider myself old yet and you shouldnt either. So many things are waiting out there to do and look forward to. I will try to give you a different perspective, hope I can be helpful to you.
Something that helps me to feel better is helping others. Makes me feel useful and needed, like I have a purpose. Volunteering even once a week might make you feel better. It doesnt have to be anything difficult, maybe just reading books to sick children at the hospital or helping at the retirement home talking to the elderly. Life is a choice. We can let our feelings take over and sit around feeling badly or we can decide to do something about it. By sitting around, nothing will change. We must pick ourselves up and go out and make a difference in our lives.
I understand you are upset with the hospital but Im sure it has helped so many. Its upsetting to read you feeling about how it should be burned down. I dread going back to the hospital myself. But when I see my doctors and nurses and they smile and are happy to see my progress it makes me realize how far Ive come. If you try, Im sure you could think of something positive associated with the hospital.
Maybe you could try not being so hard on yourself. We are all our own worst enemies and critics. Try taking a friend or family member with you to appointments. Do you have any pets? If not have you considered getting one? Pets give unconditional love and are always happy to see you which helps brighten any mood.
Hope I was able to help.
I hope you are being open with your therapist about all this -- Seems to me that you are looking at everything from the most negative perspective possible and letting even the little things (waiting for overseas telephone call, for example) get you down -- I am not a doc, but sounds to me like you should also be taking some anti-depressants to help you get through this -- Again, discuss it with your therapist and your primary or cancer doc.
I personally found great benefit in the modern SSRI class of ADs -- Your body produces seratonin, which makes you feel good and these ADs slow down the process of reabsorbtion of the seratonin so the good moods last longer (SSRI is Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor). The really black, hopeless moods became very few and far between.
Also, if you are feeling bad in terms of physical stuf, like nausea, you should be asking Doc for meds to counter-act that.
Hmm, maybe a visit to Rent-A-Rabbit or Lap Dogs 'R Us would be of some help <g>.
TRT..if I remember earlier in this thread you said you do take anti depressants. Do you think they help at all?
If you are taking ADs and they are not helping, try a different one -- They are not all alike.
I am not at the nightmare hospital anymore. What happened was, I think, the anxiety at the time I posted, was lower and resentment surfaced about all the crap that went wrong including that event about which I am still angry as it was needless suffering and triggered the whole constant anxiety !@#$$; I wish I never heard of that hospital. The abuse I am sure continues there daily; I wish someone would close it.
[quote=suzanne98]TRT,
I'm a little bit confused. Are you still being treated at the hospital where you had a bad experience? It sounds to me like you need to start taking control of your life. Everyone has feelings that they could do more or be more. And the thing is...you can. You can make changes in your life. 40 is young. You have plenty of time to accomplish what you want in life. [/quote]
I have no clue that's part of the problem. I don't have enough energy. The divorce is ongoing. I feel like I did not accomplish anything so far anyway and I am just wasting time waiting for things to happen. I only have enough energy to distract myself from the nightmare.
[quote=Good1]TRT
What do you WANT to accomplish in your life? 40 is no where close to finished cancer or no cancer.
Patty [/quote]
Today I was really tired and took a nap. Unfortunately like this time, I often wake up very anxious which is where I am now.
You are right. I am certainly pissed off that it happened so early.
If I was 70 I am sure I'd feel much better about this. Being 40 and feeling like I have not even achieved anything is harder. I think...
I have been trying to help others; I could probably do more; A friend is very miserable about back pain etc and I wrote and talked to him. On the other hand I have so little time funcio
The hospital I am talking about is USC in los angeles. It's a complete nightmare and there is nothing good about it. It's basically a place where people are experimented upon without medication and by people who are not qualified.
I can't take a friend or a family member as I don't have one who would do that. The current hospital is ok though doctors don't want to see me as they feel my current problems are not cancer related.
Believe ot or not I have several pets and they certainly are fun to be with. If it was not for them and the meds I'd be much worse than this.
[quote=ChristineB]TRT:
Im sorry you are going thru such an awful time right now. Maybe I missed it, but are you still taking any meds for this? Is the therapist helping?
Yeah, we can all feel upset about being dealth a bad hand with having oral cancer, but that doesnt change it. If I sit around and scrutinize my life I get upset at how things are then I get mad at myself for doing that. Ive been sick for almost 2 years now and still am not back to how I was before, which stinks! These things bother me just like what you have written about.
Being in my 40s, I dont consider myself old yet and you shouldnt either. So many things are waiting out there to do and look forward to. I will try to give you a different perspective, hope I can be helpful to you.
Something that helps me to feel better is helping others. Makes me feel useful and needed, like I have a purpose. Volunteering even once a week might make you feel better. It doesnt have to be anything difficult, maybe just reading books to sick children at the hospital or helping at the retirement home talking to the elderly. Life is a choice. We can let our feelings take over and sit around feeling badly or we can decide to do something about it. By sitting around, nothing will change. We must pick ourselves up and go out and make a difference in our lives.
I understand you are upset with the hospital but Im sure it has helped so many. Its upsetting to read you feeling about how it should be burned down. I dread going back to the hospital myself. But when I see my doctors and nurses and they smile and are happy to see my progress it makes me realize how far Ive come. If you try, Im sure you could think of something positive associated with the hospital.
Maybe you could try not being so hard on yourself. We are all our own worst enemies and critics. Try taking a friend or family member with you to appointments. Do you have any pets? If not have you considered getting one? Pets give unconditional love and are always happy to see you which helps brighten any mood.
Hope I was able to help.
[/quote]
I tried most of them. I take also provigil and other stronger stuff for anxiety.
[quote=Pete D]If you are taking ADs and they are not helping, try a different one -- They are not all alike. [/quote]
yes without the meds, I probably would not be writing this at all. I'd be going postal or lying in bed without getting out of the house.
[quote=suzanne98]TRT..if I remember earlier in this thread you said you do take anti depressants. Do you think they help at all? [/quote]
[quote=trt]yes without the meds, I probably would not be writing this at all. I'd be going postal or lying in bed without getting out of the house.
I think also I have been a little better and it's typically when I am down or anxious/angry that I post to the forum (I think it's helpful to express some feeling). When I feel a little better I try to forget what's happening and not post.
I am not sure what triggered the anxiety today.
[quote=suzanne98]TRT..if I remember earlier in this thread you said you do take anti depressants. Do you think they help at all? [/quote] [/quote]