Hi there- I think the biggest hurtle to get over when someone close to you passes away and especially when that person had to endure a painful and long illness is to accept that it has changed you forever. It has opened your eyes to a different side of humanity...You have seen that sometimes things do not go as planned and that terrible thing can happen to wonderful people and that life is so precious. Its hard to accept that things will never be the same. In time it will be less sad and painful but that loss doesn't go away. You will always miss him but one day soon you will find a way to channel these feelings of sadness into something else. I come here too a lot and just try and help people. I feel lucky to have survived and it keeps me from feeling sad about what happened. Its a terrible thing you witnessed but maybe some sort of transformation happened. I wish that your brother had gotten better and survived.
Not many people have to deal with the death of a family member in the prime of thier life and from a very dibilitating cancer
In time you will find a way to channel the pain. Its so hard to do though.I'm glad that you come here for comfort. Its healthy to seek support. This is a sad time - you are still working out all that happened.

Thinking of you.

KATE