Little sister

Perhaps we never quite heal from such tragic losses. I know that not a day goes by that I don't miss my little Brother, Charles who died way back in 1987 as one of the first AIDs victims. My sister still misses him too. It's all right to be angry, to seek comfort and recognize that we are forever changed.
What does concern me though is "In the end, I don't want to be happy". I have no doubt that Jorge would be horrified to hear you say that especially if he thought that he caused this. Everyone is different, but my sister and I have finally found out that the best way to honor our brother's memory is to live life as fully as possible. He was always showing up at places announcing "party of one" although the end was horrible and very painful. Ask yourself what Jorge would want for you - and then try to live that way.
Best of luck and good wishes to you
Charm