Dear Little Sister,
I am so, so sorry that you are in such pain. What if you grant yourself permission to take one uninterrupted hour to quiet your mind, breath deeply, and dwell on your brother's individuality rather than events and surface noise. During this time, accept the pain and ask what it is trying to tell you. Have paper and pen, and just start writing in total confidence that no one else will ever read it. I know from my own experience that pain communicates, and it doesn't go away until we listen. My shrink really helped me get to the message -- when I was at the bottom of a dark pit. That totally new perspective of a trained professional focused on ideas that I had missed. Feeling cheated, feeling guilty, feeling unworthy, feeling angry -- they all added up and pointed to my need for finding ways to turn my life around. I am much better now, and I found that medication helped me get back out of the black hole. Meds are a huge help when a doc says we need them. Please talk to your pain and let it talk to you, and find an awesome shrink, too. If you need help finding the "right one" for you, let this forum know so people can offer recommendations for you. We are everywhere :-) And do know that we are with YOU, whatever you are going through. Please let us know how you are doing, okay?
With a big hug for you,
Carol