Tom,
I can relate quite a bit, our children are 22 (in May) 18 and 13 and Pam is almost the same age as me. My view is as the patient and while it was 8 years ago that I was contemplating my own potential for shortened life, your questions still evoke some vivid memories. I would suggest that since the amount of time left is not precisely known, it is not fair to her to hide any information. Like others have said, if you say something that she is not able to cope with, she'll let you know. Pam may have things that she wants to do before the progression of her cancer makes it more difficult or impossible. If she has extended family they need an opportunity to see her.

I believe you would do better not to hide anything from the children either. They are much more perceptive than you might imagine and you would be found out. They are going to loose their mother and they need to deal with that reality. This is the time for family to come together. The bond between you all, created by this really difficult time, is what will support them in the years to come.

There is a gift hidden in all this, it is that she has some time yet. She can still communicate with you and the children and that is precious. Don�t dwell on the future or how bad things might get because no one can predict the future. Let people help you all. There will be wonderful things yet to happen � look for them.