I'm turning into a mega poster. Forgive me. Another question I have. We made it a point to not tell anyone until I had a confirmed diagnosis, Stage IV, which was on Wednesday. So not a lot of time has passed (it's only been two days now). My husband, has had the delicate task of talking to my family and his. Without going into too many details about how whacky either side of the family is, I've pretty much not spoken to them myself. Both my parents and the inlaws tend to get me upset even in normal circumstances when I'm healthy. It's probably self protective of me not to want to set myself up for any big dramas where someone picks me apart and makes me break down and sob. Truthfully, I haven't broken down emotionally and sobbed it out yet (mainly because it HURTS me physically) but I do not want to have my own mother doing her version of the movie Terms of Endearment. This sounds harsh.

A good friend of mine who dealt with a spouse who had cancer told me flat out that I am calling the shots here as to who I want to see and who I don't. I have a choice in who I want to deal with and who I don't. Thus far, I've had the capacity to try to calm down my dearest closest friends. When I tell them I have cancer, people just fall apart. Like I originally did, when I give them details about the type, location and staging, they go out on the internet and look for information to educate themselves and freak out. To be quite honest, until I found this forum and website, I pretty much thought it was hopeless too. One of the many reasons I'm using a different screenname than I usually do. For all I know, people close to me MIGHT figure out this is me posting and be offended that I might not have the energy or need for their company.

Let's face it, I'm ill--seriously ill, it's going to take all my energy to deal with my priorities here. I'm already in real physical pain and I haven't even begun treatment yet. This website has been a wonderful place for information, I've read literally everything on it. My friends, unlike my relatives (perhaps because they are use to my humor and the fact I don't have to censor my thoughts and words)uplift me even when we are talking about the blunt realities.

I know folks related to me are probably hurt that I don't want to lay it all on the line. My husband has been a wonderful buffer in that respect. He plans to keep them informed, as they should be, but I know someone is going to lay a guilt trip on me for not allowing them to act out their own agenda.

Seriously, my emotionally level has been amazing considering the stress and anxiety I had before diagnosis. The more answers I do get (even the not so good ones)help me quell the horror of what I'm facing and put me in charge of my own illness and possible future, whatever that may be.

I need to keep my head calm (one of the many reasons, I'm only using the tranquilizers and pain meds when absolutely necessary) I shouldn't feel the need to dance to someone elses drum beat should I? I'm already carrying a full load of emotional baggage without having to deal with what someone else wants to "get off their chest"?

Before I start sounding so harsh, I haven't told anyone yet to bug off. Sooner or later either I or my little family may need some help, I realize that. I also realize that I don't need some well intentioned relative from either side setting up camp in my house picking on me and scolding me like a small child. There is a legitimate need to avoid getting angry or pushing me to an emotional crisis that may be even more dangerous at this point for my health.

Even if you all don't respond. I thank you for listening to my concerns as people who have already been there and done it. Despite our commonalities all our situations are different, but perhaps someone out there can relate (pun, not intended)

Jen