Dear Dan,

I wish I could reach through this computer and hug you.

This is not easy to address because your doctor has told you that you will not be cured, and as hard as that is to accept, I think you are doing that--accepting it. One thing that helped Scott tremendously was being able to talk with the hospice nurses and doctors. You can usually sign up with Hospice if your doctor thinks you have 6 months or less. Sometimes you can sign up with them anyway once you are told you are terminal. This is my opinion based on my experience. I know that is a huge step, but I urge you to consider this. Insurance will cover it. Hospice workers are wonderful people to deal with. You won't have to go to a doctor's office to wait, you won't have to schedule appointments, you won't have to go to the drug store. They take care of everything. Best of all, all the members of a Hospice team are trained to help people who feel just like you do. They come as often or as little as you desire; they help you figure out if chemo or other treatments are right for you. They assist you in making decisions regarding pain meds, depression meds, and any other problems you are facing. They can help your wife and your children with grief support and counseling. Being under Hospice care does not mean you have to be bed-ridden and helpless. They help people in all stages of terminal illness.

The hospice nurses and doctor in our town were wonderful. I could not have made it without them. They prepared me for so much during Scott's last few months, and they prepared him as well. We got the one-on-one treatment that we needed. And this is hard to tell you--I hope I don't upset anyone by saying this, but when Scott stopped feeling hungry, the nurse told me that his body was preparing for what was to come.

I am so sorry you are getting so tired and so angry. I am tired and angry for you. Maybe you can get Hospice lined up immediately so that you will feel more in control to get ready for Vegas. There will be so much love for you there, and I know you really want to go.

It breaks my heart that anyone should have to go through this. Dan, you hang on to this: the love you have shared in this life will not dissipate upon your death; it will still be here with every life you have touched, and it will also raise up your soul for the journey to the hereafter. Scott wrote in his journal just days before he died that with all the love he felt in his heart, there must be more than just death waiting for him. I believe that to be true. Love is the only blessing, ultimately, that we are left with, and it is a great and profound thing.

All my love and prayers,
Christine