Hello All,

I am getting more depressed every day. I upped my anti-depressant pills from 30mg to 45 mg but it hasn't helped. I feel like giving up. The sooner this bastard of a diaease is done with me the better.
Am now skipping eating anything two or three days a week. Feeling kind of dizzy at times. Lost 3 lbs. each of the last two weeks. Lots of tension in the family. Everyone telling me to continue the chemo, Even though it can't cure me. Feeling kind of numb. Really sick and tired of the whole scene.
When I do eat I can tell I can't open my mouth as far as I used to. Very hard to swallow anything solid. Am sick and tired of drinking carnation instant milk for my meals. I seem to not care anymore. All the bad news on the board doesn't help. I feel helpless to what's happenening to me. Lots of anger over this.
I want to get this under control before Vegas. I sure wouldn't be much fun to be around if this continues. My resolve is at it's lowest point.
Nothing to look forward to except a slow death.
At this point much to slow for me. I don't want to drag anyone down but it's the worst i've felt since this whole thing started.

Dan

Dan, there isn't one of us who wouldn't wave a magic wand over you if we could. Not one of us, however, is a professional, so anything we say to you is worth what you pay for it. Except this: Get thee to a trained counselor who knows what to say, how you feel, and what to do about it.

No question you are in one tough spot, Dan, and our hearts collectively ache for you. Please ask for help so this part of your life will not be spent being depressed. The cancer most probably cannot be cured, but your depression can be lessened for sure and certain. I do not often speak for anyone but myself, but in this instance, know that we are ALL pulling for you.

Joanna

Dan,
I have to agree with Joanna. The anti-depressants can only do so much for you. You need to vent with a professional and us as well.
I remember your posts at the beginning of your journey. You became consumed with the concern that you may not be getting enough nutrition into you. Do you remember that?
You have to go back to that thinking again Dan. You have to keep up your strength. Force yourself to eat even if you do not feel like it. A full stomach always makes us feel a little better. You are a fighter Dan and we expect no less from you. Please do not give up.
David

Dan,

i feel terrible for you. our minds can be powerful friends. let yours take you to places your love to remember. i always appreciate reading your posts to OCF, so please continue to share your thoughts.

thanks,
larryb

Danny! I need you too much to have you feeling this way! Joanna is right - please find a really good professional right away.
I am always telling Tom how fabulous you are - your positive attitude has been immensely uplifting during what has been the hardest few months of our lives. You must remember that your family - and those of us here - think you are wonderful and we NEED you to keep the faith.....
"Be a good boy" and do not neglect your meals!!!!!! I can't be worried about TWO men not eating at the same time!
I am sending much love, and hope you tell us soon that you've found a great counselor!
Nicki

Dear Dan

I am so sad that you are suffering. I agree with everything Joanna has said. Venting to a professional counsellor may help reduce the family tension, possibly separate counselling for them also?

I love your wonderful strength. You have given so much to me and I have tears in my eyes as I write. I have not walked on your path, but may I suggest looking forward to the OCF gathering as a short term goal? I will be there in spirit and see YOU there, inspiring your fellow members.

I am with you, with love from Helen

Dear Dan,

I wish I could reach through this computer and hug you.

This is not easy to address because your doctor has told you that you will not be cured, and as hard as that is to accept, I think you are doing that--accepting it. One thing that helped Scott tremendously was being able to talk with the hospice nurses and doctors. You can usually sign up with Hospice if your doctor thinks you have 6 months or less. Sometimes you can sign up with them anyway once you are told you are terminal. This is my opinion based on my experience. I know that is a huge step, but I urge you to consider this. Insurance will cover it. Hospice workers are wonderful people to deal with. You won't have to go to a doctor's office to wait, you won't have to schedule appointments, you won't have to go to the drug store. They take care of everything. Best of all, all the members of a Hospice team are trained to help people who feel just like you do. They come as often or as little as you desire; they help you figure out if chemo or other treatments are right for you. They assist you in making decisions regarding pain meds, depression meds, and any other problems you are facing. They can help your wife and your children with grief support and counseling. Being under Hospice care does not mean you have to be bed-ridden and helpless. They help people in all stages of terminal illness.

The hospice nurses and doctor in our town were wonderful. I could not have made it without them. They prepared me for so much during Scott's last few months, and they prepared him as well. We got the one-on-one treatment that we needed. And this is hard to tell you--I hope I don't upset anyone by saying this, but when Scott stopped feeling hungry, the nurse told me that his body was preparing for what was to come.

I am so sorry you are getting so tired and so angry. I am tired and angry for you. Maybe you can get Hospice lined up immediately so that you will feel more in control to get ready for Vegas. There will be so much love for you there, and I know you really want to go.

It breaks my heart that anyone should have to go through this. Dan, you hang on to this: the love you have shared in this life will not dissipate upon your death; it will still be here with every life you have touched, and it will also raise up your soul for the journey to the hereafter. Scott wrote in his journal just days before he died that with all the love he felt in his heart, there must be more than just death waiting for him. I believe that to be true. Love is the only blessing, ultimately, that we are left with, and it is a great and profound thing.

All my love and prayers,
Christine

Hi Dan,
I remember you saying a few weeks ago that you really didn't feel any different physically so I feel like all this you are dealing with right now is emotional. I don't feel that your body is preparing for what is to come, I think you are severely depressed, rightfully so. When you first came on the boards and when you ended treatment I recall you were quite depressed so this may be something you are prone to. Take Joanna's advice and go to a therapist, deal with the emotions of what you are dealing with, it must be so overwhelming. I wish there was something I could do to help. I trust that you will find your way in all of this.
Love,
Minnie

Hi Danny Boy, while others have given strong advice to you on what you should do right now, maybe I can give you my first hand experience of severe depression. I always say that it was depression that nearly killed me not the cancer. I was so down after treatment thinking that there was no more hope in my life and I was a burden to my family and I was so helpless. All these negative thoughts and attitude pushed me to the verge of death until one day my husband and sister in law decided to 'escort' me to the hospital. In fact I had been on anti-depressants at home for quite some time already and there was little effect whatsoever to take me out from despair. I had clinical psychologist coming to talk to me on alternate days and that didn't help much either. When I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, I was under close observation and the psychiatrists (a group of doctors actually) designed a plan to help me overcome the depression.The psychiatrist talked to me every day and monitored the medicine prescribed. In the patients' ward, I had chances for self-reflection and also saw how others suffered even more than me.It took me about a month to get my depression under control and 3 years post treatment, I still need to consult the psychiatrist on regular basis. Danny, depression is common among cancer patients but please do not let it deteriorate. Noone knows what happens to us in the next minute and one thing for sure, your family need you most at this moment. If you feel helpless, reach out for professional help. I want to see Danny with his confidence, strength and courage back.
Karen.

Danny Boy: I have been a member of this board for just a short while but I have so impressed by your positive pro-life attitude. You have given so much to people on this board and many still need your support & wisdom.

There are many new anti-depressants coming on the market each year. If this one isn't working, there are others. Also, the dose may need to be adjusted. The advice from your friends on this board about getting help from professionals, be they mental health or hospice, is excellent. Please see a professional for help with depression. You can feel better & you deserve to feel better. If your days are numbered, you want to enjoy each one, not be depressed! Please, get help ASAP. Candace, Davis, CA

Sister of man with base of tongue cancer, stage IV, dx 4/03, finished treatment 9/03. 12 cancer-free exams.

Ok, Dan, while it's totally understandable for you to feel the way you do, if you don't "snap out of it" by Vegas I may have to recruit some help to collectively give you a swift kick in the fanny if you know what I mean. And there's going to be at least 4 other guys there who I'm pretty sure will help. 5 against one ain't good odds. And I'm not playing boats, planes, trains and automobiles for 24 hours to get to Vegas and watch you mope around.

Although I'm not certain I would approach your situation with the amount of "sangfroid" that I would like to think I would, now is the time to be going for the gusto as it were, not sitting around being bummed out. Sure, the hand we're dealt pretty much sucks. Nothing much we can do about it, but what separates the men from the boys is how we handle it. Do we sit at home and refuse to drink our milk? Or do we say heck with it and run with the bulls because what's the worse that could happen that isnt' going to anyway.

One of my favorite writers, Clive Cussler wrote in one of his books, his goal is to, when on his deathbed, the phone rings, and the blond buxom nurse bends over, picks it up and hands the phone to him. And it's his banker telling him he's 10 dollars overdrawn because he spent all his fortune on adventures.

Please, for you and your families sake, talk to a professional, we've all got a finite amount of time left, we need to make the most of it we can.

Bob

Danny Boy, please don't give up. I totally understand but we need you! Love, Carol

Danny.. you are such a huge force on this board, I hate to hear you are suffering so much. You know your friends here are giving you the best advice and support they can. I realise I cannot put myself in your shoes but PLEASE ,Fight Danny, FIGHT!!

Marica

Danny.. Dig deep boyo.. somewhere inside of you is the strength to do what has to be done, and ONLY YOU can do it, but don't forget we are all here to lend a hand...
Walk in the sunshine if you can..
prayers.. love and hugs
Helen

Hey Danny,
Your glass is full! Even the slightest edginess can send you over the top. The help that people are suggesting will empty some of that glass and give you a little breathing room. Your family needs you now.

When I was in the depths of treatment there is no way I could have summoned enough power from within. I had to surrender and ask for power from a power greater than myself. It was that and my faith that saw me through. I pray that you can reach out and find that power for yourself. Have faith that tommorrow will be the dawn of a new day and better attitude. There's still work to be done.

Danny

Sending you a big huge gigantic cyber hug which should promptly be followed by a gentle kick in the butt. Every day is work and I believe it's unbearably hard but you are still here and doin it. You have given so much to so many people in this community and I'm sure much more to those immediately around you...Take the love you need, now it's your turn. You have earned it. Feel it!! and try to get yourself centered and in a better space. TAlk TAlk Talk about it here... with your loved ones..with a counselor... in a group....Let the health professionals know where you are at and ask for help....you are in my prayers. Denise

Danny Boy,

It's taken me a couple days to reply because I just wasn't sure what to say. And it took me awhile to get past the tears long enough to be able to type. I do want to echo the thoughts of many others here. I think you have received some terrific advice. A different antidepressant, counseling, a swift kick in the pants .........all good suggestions. I definitely think depression must have a strong hold on you right now and that's perfectly understandable. Who in your shoes would not be depressed?

As for feeling dizzy, that does tend to happen when a person doesn't eat, Danny! As for the chemo, my advice to your family is to back off. Only you can decide how you want to fight this. They need to give you some breathing room.

Christine makes a good point about checking with hospice. The only drawback to that (in Heather's case) was that hospice groups here don't accept people into hospice until they have decided to forego further treatment. You can move out of hospice if you wish to start treatment again, though, and then re-enter later. That may not be the case everywhere though. Even if you don't enter hospice yet, it would still be a good idea to talk to them and find out what they have to offer. Just having a plan in place for later may help to ease your mind.

I would like to say I know exactly how you feel, but I don't. I knew my child was going to die, but that is not the same as knowing one's self is going to die. I feel ashamed to say it, but I gave up long before Heather did. Although I encouraged her to continue chemo and I tried to stay positive, I knew in my heart she wasn't going to survive.

You have mentioned before that she was one, among others here, who set the bar high and she truly did. She didn't give up until just before the end. It was Friday, Sept 26th when she said she was done with treatment. Sunday the 28th, she expressed her wish for me to help her end it quickly (which I tried, but just couldn't bring myself to do). October 6th, she was gone. 10 days, Danny Boy, only 10 days before the end did she give up.

But then, Heather was a very strong person. Her husband and her brother both said they would have given up months earlier. None of us could understand how she hung on as long as she did. During one memorable weekend in May, the doctors and nurses all felt she wouldn't make it through the weekend. They were all pressing her to choose her end-of-life options. Did she want to go on life support, etc. Can you guess her reaction? Depression, you think?

No. She was angry! Angry that they were giving up on her. Angry to think that she was losing her allies in the fight. Angry because she wasn't ready to let go of life yet.

You said you are angry. But are you angry enough? Maybe it's time to grab hold of that anger with both hands, Danny. Rant and rave and fight this thing tooth and nail. And never forget, doctors are only human. They are not gods. Yes, we all know this bastard of a disease kills, but I'm sure we have all heard stories about people who were given 6 weeks to live and ended up living 6 years instead! Yes, this probably will kill you, but who can know that for sure? For all we know, that new treatment breakthrough is only months away. Are you going to give up now and maybe miss out on a cure by mere months? Every month that you fight this brings you one month closer to a cure. Am I being too optimistic? Maybe. But that is what got Heather through 5 months of agonizing pain. The hope that a cure was just around the corner. That she would be that one-in-a-million who was granted a miracle. Don't give up that hope, Danny. You just never know what's in store just around the corner.

Rainbows, hugs & much, much love,
Rosie

Danny-
Hope you are reading all of these posts!!! Isn't this board fantastic, all of the love they have for you! Danny I am looking forward to meeting you in Las Vegas. You get yourself there!!!!!! Love, Kris

Danny Boy
You have been faced with a difficult challenge and up till now you have been marvelous. I always looked forward to your comments and how positive they were. From the response you got you can tell we all love and appreciate you and we are all pulling for you. So between our prayers and your approach to life you can beat this thing mentally. I know you can. So do as other suggest which was some great advise and we look to a long time of chatting with you.

Danny, I am with you on this. I have had my fill as well...I am tired of all the fight, fight, fight. I am running out of things to fight with...There is something around every corner. I just had my cat scan, doctor said my liver count was extrememly high. Had the scan, the byopsy. Scared to death, went today and found out that it was nothing but drug induced, which can be taken care of. But damm the years it took off of me and my family just waiting and crying. It is hard to keep that positive outlook when the very doctor and nurses are giving up....I don't blame the doctor, but dammm they could be quick about this and the very minute they get the results back, BAMMMM you have them...but no they make us wait and suffer. And that is exactly what it is---waiting and suffering...Now I am relieved----UNTIL NEXT TIME---------Vicki

Danny, So sorry to hear you are depressed again. Please follow the advice of others and get some help from a doctor. Try to focus on Vegas next week and do some fun things with your family. Looking forward to seeing you Vegas.

Eileen

Danny, I really don't have any other advice to add to what the others have said, but I want you to know that you have been a very positve voice to this board. Please follow what the others have suggested. You are one of the bright lites here. Never give up hope. Prove them wrong, beat it back and look forward to the positive things you can do once this treatment ends. I wish I could bring you out of the depression but you are in control of that. The fight is in you and the strength also is in you. You are too important to your family and those of us here to let this disease rule you. Don't give it the right. Hang in there Danny, you can do it and we will be here to support you.

Danny,

As a former depressive, I know what's it like to "fall in the ditch." But I can't say I know what it's like to walk in your shoes and to be dealing with the things that you are at this time. I've never been one to blow sunshine up your you-know-what or to make religious noises as I prefer to deal with facts no matter how harsh or what news they may bring.

You have obviously had a tremendous impact on the folks around here, myself included. From what little I do know of you, I think I can confidently say that you have this impact on everyone who takes the time to get to know you. I hope that, in spite of your depression, you'll stay in the fight and that your spirit can find renewal in the thought of all those who know you and love you.

Hang in there, Danny Boy. It ain't over yet and there are too many who need you and want you around.

-Brett

Dan,

I don't understand suffering and I never will.
You have a right to everything you are feeling.
I pray that I could take your pain away.
Watching yourself get weaker and not beable to do the things you once could is agonizing.
Losing the simple ability to eat and open your mouth brings pain to my heart that takes my breath away.
With all that you are going through you are a very strong man indeed, a man who has a right to be angry and depressed, scared and tired.
A man who has a right to live....
I hold you in my heart and in my prayers.
Love,
Michelle

Dan,

I will pray for you to find the path back to your normal, positive self. Know that I am thinking about you and holding you up all the way from Philadelphia. I hope that you are able to enjoy Las Vegas -- you've put a lot into it.

Hang in there,
love, Barb

All,

What a wonderful outpouring of support. Please keep in mid that we may be perpetuating a brief low point in Dan's week. This is just my obsevation. I spoke with him last night and he sounded pretty good, I think he had food in his mouth!

Glenn

Thank You All,

I never thought of myself as anything special. Just a normal guy trying to raise my family and love my friends.
I was one lucky man to have found this website. I can't express in words in a email what all your responses mean to me.

Looking forward to Vegas so much. Plan on enjoying all your company and eating like a pig.
My son Chris and daughter Maggie are also coming.
Thanks Again, Danny Boy

Danny Boy,
Thank you so much for your honesty. I think that baring your pain and worries to your friends at OCF helps us, and, I hope that it helps you as well. Although as an oral cancer survivor, I live for today, I still like to get a peek at what may lie ahead one day for me. I would rather know what many of us face rather than bury my head in the sand.
I am sorry that I won't be in Vegas to meet you. I remember when you first came on the board. From the start you brought a fun and loving spirit that all of your friends here really appreciate.
You are a great guy. I hope that it gets better for you.

Danny G.

Dan,

I hope that Vegas is a fun and emotionally healing time. I don't have the magic words to say. However I think that given what you've had to deal with I'd be surprised if you weren't depressed! All I can do is add my voice to the chorus of well wishers and to agree with the suggestions to consult the doctor/counselor etc. And of course, keep letting us know how you are doing.

ilene

Sad news: Ilene has lost the battle with oral cancer. I share friends locally and we all are suffering at the loss of our beloved. Fortunately, Ilene is now free from her suffering.

Peace to all.

Mark

Mark,

My heart goes out to you my friend, as you said, she is at peace now, free from pain.

Life is a journey my friend, with a beginning and an end for us, it is the time we have with those we hold dear that make life so sweet, yet so painful when that journey ends. I have faith that those who pass before us help prepare our way when our own journey in this life ends, and a new one begins. It is because of this that I never say goodbye, rather "I'll see you when I get there".

Peace and love to you my friend.

Eric

Sorry to hear about the loss of a long time member... my thoughts and love go out out to all who knew her and loved her.
Many blessings to you all.

Mark, I am very sorry for the loss of your friend Ilene. Its always a sad day when oral cancer takes another person. May she now rest in peace, free from any pain or suffering.

I missed this post earlier, but wanted to extend my condolences to all of Ilene's family and friends. She will be missed.

Donna