Dear Vicki,

Speaking as a patient, initially I only told my boss and my closest friend at work as I was afraid to say the word out loud and also didn't want to become the subject of gossip - become known at the water fountain as "that girl who has cancer". Its hard to describe but I felt kind of tainted and ashamed to have something go so wrong inside me. Denial, I guess. Eventually I got over this and told my boss to tell the rest of my department, if they asked. As I was not there when he told them and didn't see them for almost a month, they were quite used to the idea by the time they saw me and so didn't ask silly questions (except for whether my tongue would grow back!:-)). They have been very understanding since then, especially when I got back to work.

Speaking also as a family member of someone who was diagnosed with terminal cancer (my mother) and who for the first year decided that our family should keep it a secret even from her own sister , I found it extremely difficult not being able to discuss it with anyone. I ended up getting panic attacks and constantly taking antacids as a result. Plus my colleagues were wondering why I was constantly taking time off work to go back to Ireland and why I was so down.

In both cases, when I was eventually able to talk freely about what was happening it was a tremendous relief. I found there were many people with similar experiences and everyone I told was supportive or at least sympathetic. I have to say other people provided most of the strength I needed to deal with both cancers.

Oddly enough I found it more difficult to deal with my mother's cancer than my own. I think it can be at times more difficult to be a caretaker or relative than to have the disease yourself. Especially if you are dealing with a control freak (like both myself and my mother!). You can feel helpless, but please remember that the patient really does appreciate all the small ways you help, even if they don't always show it.

I really hope you can work something out with your husband regarding who to tell and also find a colleague you can confide in.

In the meantime please continue to let us know how both of you are getting on.

Big hug

Redser