I fainted in the exam chair when they gave me the diagnosis and I immediatly went on anti anxiety medications for quite a while afterwards. I also suffered from "situational depression" post Tx and was prescribed Proxac and later Paxil. As Glenn said - these are not healthy thoughts, especially at this early unDx'd stage. Normal people would be fearful but not talk of suicide. I'm no doctor but I would say it sounds like you may be suffering from chronic depression. You need to see a psychiatrist and get some meds for it. Pschiatrists are the best choice to manage the kinds of medications required for depression.

Suffering is part of life. It is unavoidable. It doesn't mean that it is the end of life. Some times we have to suffer in certain seasons of our life to recalibrate our values, heal our perceptions and rediscover what is really important.

Even if your Dx comes back positive, it's not a death sentence and some us here like Karen and myself (and many others) had advanced cancers and made a full recovery. For me, life is better today than it ever was. Like others have said here you need to take this one day (sometimes one breath) at a time.

My wifes father committed suicide when she was a young girl and it scarred her for life - Please get some help.