When I was in Vietnam, I realized that with the exception of a few, who were not normal in so many ways ( not all positive), we were all afraid at some point or another, if not a matter of daily routine. You have choke down your fear, and do your job, trust other on your team to do theirs, and you move forward. Other choices do not exist. Failing to do so will get you killed, drive you crazy, or get others killed. None of which is a good outcome. THERE IS ALWAYS FEAR IN THE RANDOMNESS OF MUCH OF LIFE.
Cancer is very much like that I think. So we put up a good show, but in the end we are all at some level, afraid. It is cancer after all, the disease that takes more lives than anything else. But you do not have cancer. Stay in the realm of today's reality.
We are creatures, that by our very nature, live a finite amount of time and then are gone. Given that simple reality of our existence, in our culture in particular, it is a concept that few embrace. That lack of ability to accept reality that one day we will not be here any longer, leads people to waste the time that they do have in foolish ways. Do not read into this that you should not become defensive, proactive, informed, but read that once you have done what you can, you have to reach a point where you accept that you cannot know everything there is to know about this subject, and given that you have learned what you can, make the best decisions possible with the information that you have, and understand that much of it in the end is not ever going to be in your control.
You have no good reason TODAY to believe that you will not live a long healthy life. That is a fact that you should take to the bank. YOu are not like most of the people here. You have a viral infection, and they have cancer. You are making a leap which the dots are not connected on yet. There's plenty of time for worry down the road if you end up in this club. In the meantime you have to find balance and appropriateness. You have done what you can to this point. Now you should be dealing with the reality that you should be spending your time doing something meaningful in your life. That does not include worrying about things out of your control to the point of paralysis, or seeing boogie men behind every shadow instead of LIVING. Look at all the energy you are burning doing something that is not productive. Force yourself to get centered, or ask your doctors for some of mother's little helpers to get you to that place, no shame in that. But making yourself physically sick has to stop.
