Thanks everyone. I have said what I had to and that's that, I guess. I just needed to vent. Too embarrassed to discuss it outside of here...wow! that really sounds shallow, doesn't it? I don't mean to be. Love and peace to all.

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Linda!! How have you been?

Donna, I like to see you vent to us. I wish I could do it publicly too. I have the idea that most are wose off than I am as like right now. All of this moving and keeping busy gets me so tired that my feet and legs say sit you dumbass.

Hey Jim!!
I miss you!!! I will try to log back on later and see if I can find you. Take a break now and again. love you.

I grew up with this poem on a plate hanging on a wall in my Grandmother's Kitchen:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -- Reinhold Niebuhr

I'm still waiting for that wisdom!

On my first day of chemotherapy last summer, I was talking to a man who was going through the exact same thing that I was. He was doing radiation, too, and it was his first chemo session, as well. He had been a heavy smoker. His wife couldn't even sit there with him - she had to go out and have a smoke! I wanted to say, "you idiot! Don't you see what he is going through!"

It does seem obscene to me to do something that may have brought you here in the first place...but it is an addiction. we spoke again the other day, i told her how i feel...she said she isn't smoking, but i have been told that before. i pray that she isn't ... i really don't want to be judgmental. she's a great fighter, tries everyday to be 'normal'--i don't know how i would cope if i were in a similar position.
God Bless her and love her.

Glad you spoke again Donna! It is an addiction and one of the hardest to let go of. I quit two and a half years ago and it was one of the hardest things I have done. I still think I am missing " something" from time to time. I to will pray that she has been able to quit. Unfortunatly it is something you have to "want" to do.
Best!!

Donna,

If you can't vent here...where can you vent? I don't smoke, never have, can't stand cigarettes. My mom smoked since she was 13, my wife's been a closet smoker for years...I get oral cancer and both of them start lighting up like chimneys.

Both of them say the same thing..."If YOU got OC, then it can happen to anyone so f*ck it, I'm smoking!" I had to just accept that they are going to do what they want...and I'm gonna do what i want...because when it comes down to it, lifes too f*ckin short not to. C'est la vie...

Donna - Vent anytime you feel the need! Anything shared is always more bearable. Loving someone is not always enough for some to quit smoking. When I left home at age my Mom had tears in her eyes - she didn't want me to leave, but it was not enough for her to quit smoking and she died 20+ years earlier than others in her family who lived well into their late 90's. My non-smoker son got the cancer. My other older son who smokes never got cancer and does feel guilty that (so far) he escaped getting it. But not enough to quit. If he got cancer, I think I would be having a major explosion of anger and grief all directed at him!! And Eric - I know about closet smokers. My ex-husband would smoke in the shower! Yes, "C'est la vie" but it can also be "C'est la mort" 20 years sooner.