Sorry to get off topic-

But as of right now, I'm convinced I have it... I looked at a youtube video on OC and...

(I don't know if looking at such videos is productive)


I keep fluctuating-I do-I don't. It seems to come and go with the intensity of the numness and pain I'm experiencing at the moment.

For me personally, I don't know what would have been worse, getting cancer and not being a smoker/chewer/or drinker, or being partially responsible for my circumstances. So manycircumatances in my life I had no control over, like what boyfriend or girldriend my parents were seeing, or school I was going to, but I had some control over this...

Smoking and chewing was my way of being destructive I guess. i had just given up on myself...But I always wanted to get back to that Granola lifestyle. I had essentially quit when all my symtoms appeared. I forgot to mention I also have a swollen node in my Left armpit and right groin, and a spongy sensation in my right chest.

Today, I went and checked the surf...I had so much anxiety even after all I've been through, I wanted a smoke or chew. There's kind of a bunch of bullying going on here in the surfing world, and being that I have social anxiety. I kind of look weak and am a convenient target, and being that I have such low self esteem, and all I've been through being bullyied just rips the soul right out of my body...

I kind of fought back against the bullies. Localism is a big part of surfing, and most of the bullies aren't from here. I remember one of them saying to someone who just moved here, "your not local. you just moved here."

Well it's funny, because my great great grandfather was one of the first homesteaders here and I let them know it. I'm not sure if I did the right thing. It added a lot more stress, and hence, chewing and smoking. But, given my background, I can't stand bullies

Oh well, I'm rambling, I feel kind of emotional, and writing helps, I kind of felt like jumping off a cliff before...LOL

I feel a bit better...it's been an interesting life...if I have cancer I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to survive treatment...

If I don't have cancer...I'm just going to start living my life for other people..get outside of myslef..there just doesn't seem to be any answers to my past-nothing to make sense of- I don't know if there was anything to learn from...

Thanks all...Sorry...

I kind of think I should delete that post

I just feel a bit messed up...

Ryobi~