Oh boy,
One blubbering helpless mess here right now! Taking advantage of the fact I'm not expecting phone calls and Ray's sleeping peacefully after his night-shift. It's midday, but cold wet and miserable and dark outside, so have shut the curtains and put the light on. It feels like such a relief to just sit and cry!
Denise, McMillan nurse came round and was absolutely lovely.
We did all the 'pain-assessment' stuff/situation so far/treatments/personal/work/social life etc., so all the boxes got filled in.
I told her I'd finally decided to go with the Fentanyl patch--you lot are SUCH bullies! And asked her for more anti-anxiety stuff-she thought that was a totally reasonable request!
She did gently ask me if I knew I was dying---hmmmmmm, having it put into words like that aint too good, told her I was pretty sure that palliative radiation is probably not on the cards now, and she agreed--oh heck--and so we talked about 'end-of-life' issues--I told her, home or Dove House Hospice--anything but hospital! And I'm 'ready to be told days/weeks' on 30th, but of course, aren't really!
My knowledge, prior thinking, discussions with Ray and kids and friends, diary entries--all rational and calmly discussed--but Hell, when it comes to it--whole different ball-game!
She agreed it's gonna be difficult for ME to come to terms with it, then there's the issue of how to tell my beloved children,friends,siblings????--Oh boy, am I ever gonna need those happy pills!
Have done--or tried to do--everything for the last year in a calm, controlled, planned, humorous-but-factual way---have slapped on 'happy face' and 'happy voice', kept everyone up-to-date, done all the practical stuff like wills etc.

But right now--death 'soon' just seems so near--and I'm not sure I'm ready! The irony is, after the last 10 days of bloody awful pain, everywhere, today I'm only on a scale of 3!

PeteyB wrote all kinds of inspirational stuff in the last weeks/months--I feel so dull and uninsightful by comparison.

But hey---maybe the drugs WILL work and I can float and get poetic for a while before I go!

Just a note to all you Caregivers facing this with parents/spouses/friends--we all deal with it differently, this is the first time I've actually felt 'alone to sob and to just feel what I feel' instead of 'pretending' and trying to be all 'positive and fighting'.

Ye gods Liz, what a can of worms you opened for me there!!
Feel better for a cyber-ramble and now eagerly awaiting the phone-call to say I can become an official drug-addict!!
SORRY everyone for that,

A watery-smiley Brenda