Deb,

In the last 4 years I have had surgery for renal and oral cancer and my husband has had surgery for colon cancer. In each instance we were slow to give out information to our families and friends. The reasons for this were different in each case. We delayed saying anything until we were certain what action was being taken. It was difficult but we felt that there was no need to get people worked up over an uncertan diagnosis. Until there was a definite date for surgery we only asked for prayers that we should have a good outcome.

Fear of the unknown is a powerful ememy. It was not good that you were not prepared for what you saw, but perhaps your father and his wife really did not understand what the physical result of his surgery would be or they were afraid of the possible outcome. He may have told you StageI because until the surgery that is what he believed or wanted to believe. In spite of all the modern diagnostic tests available sometimes until the surgeon goes in there is no way of knowing what will be. With my kidney surgery there was a wait of about an hour or two as tissue had to be biopsied to see if further surgery would be required at that time to remove the entire kidney.

Often, telling someone bad news is more difficult than receiving it. I always tried to downplay or keep bad news from my mother as long as possible. Even when her mother's instinct told her something was wrong I tried to lower the severity of the problem.

As you are concerned about the possibility of genetic transmission of oral cancer please research it on this site (both on the forum and on the general website). It would be good for you to either write a letter to your father's doctor or make an appointment to discuss this with him or with a physician you trust. Also post a question to members asking if anyone has been told that genetics was a factor in their diagnosis.

Best wishes to bothyou and to your father, Malka