Laurie (Nicki, too)-

I am SO with both of you. I will continue to pray for good things as a result of treatment and for strength. I don't know who all is a caregiver but once treatment is over the caregiver has nothing - and it sure seems that way - to do but toe tap. We have no job except to start giving back the jobs our surviors had and hope that they will 1) be able to accept some "responsibility" for things like getting water 2) WANT to do those things to re-integrate/get back on the "original-role-they-had" in the family track once more.

You work so hard (as a cheerleader and nurse and liason and chaufeur - all by desire/choice) to GET to the end of treatment. You work to ease the burden of cancer for your survivor so all they have to do is fight for their life and you take care of the rest. Every day you go without sleep doesn't impact the next because you're pumped (scared, on a mission, whatever). That last chemo and/or radiation and NOW what?

Surprisingly, I was angry. Angry that there was nothing I could pro-actively do to keep fighting. Ed was SO sick. He could hardly move - never had surgery except to get PEG, mediport, huge chunk of biopsy of cancer site and 8 posterior teeth removed - the rads, ethyol, and chemo tore him up!

We're now a year out and our world is still very different that I anticipated/hoped. Don't know if that's how it is for everyone (and would like to hear from others - maybe in another post/topic), but even that part is scary. Where do you go from there? No question you love your survivor. How do you get "back" to normal or what is your "normal" going to be?

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was smoking that I conjured a fairy tale/happy ever after scenario. Not happening yet but not giving up either. I am still convinced you/we SHOULD be encouraged. You should know it WILL be all right - just different. Depending on your ages and history (were you married before, do you have elderly parents, kids that live/don't live with you, are/were both working, etc.) your issues will vary and some will be simple and others not so.

Big thing, though. Trust each other enough to talk openly and VERY clearly about fears, plans, dreams, perceived obstacles to achieving harmony/security (which will be a biggie), take into account each other's perspectives. One lives in the moment and the other planning for more than today. I've made HUGE mistakes/bad judgement calls that affect many aspects of our life because I (over)reacted to fear/perceived attitudes... Poor Ed, he's probably thinks cancer is a better alternative to enduring my screwed up thinking.

Honestly, if I knew then (fresh out of treatment plus 3 months) I would never worry about "what if" from the cancer side - I'd be way more focused on determination to succeed in every way possible to regain "normal". The dilemma is how to stop the emotional momentum of then/dig in and force "normal" back into the picture.

All of us are so blessed. One day is one day more and before you know it, you had a lifetime filled with "life". Congratulations on the results and Nicki - you guys are going to be great, too!

S