Liz - I did not travel the same path you did - I still have my son, but watching him battle this disease is for me too, the very hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I cannot imagine the supreme strength and courage there is in you to have come thru and to still be going thru what you have had to do. The "what-ifs" are still with me and it's a struggle every day to keep them at bay. For every "what if the cancer comes back" I suppose one could substitute "what if it does NOT come back" but I don't llike that one either. It still has uncertainty connected to it. I try to force myself to stay in the present, the "now" and find whatever bright spot I can and I'm determined to really enjoy all the bright spots I can find. Maybe one day they will push the negative "what-ifs" out of the way and make room for the sunshine and lead to happier memories. Maybe I am still in "fight mode" but whenever those what-ifs try to attack, I fight back any way I can - deep breathing, exercise, hot bath, music, meditation - replacing the sad picture with a happy one or if the happy one won't come, then a blank slate will do . . . whatever works. I have to do this for my son - he tends to get down and is still fighting depression. I cannot bring him up all at once but one or two notches on the depression scale is progress. Sometimes I have to say, "Look, you are a survivor and don't you forget it!" I believe we will all get thru this with the help of everyone that understands and cares.