hi all here, just want to wish you all the very best in the future and to let you all know that reading most of the stuff on here has reduced me to tears.

i am a 31 year old male from the u.k and am waiting to go back to the hospital at the beginning of december to get my mouth looked at again.

i was originally referred to hospital by my dentist in 2001 when he spotted an area of concern in the floor of my mouth,
at the time i was worried but not to a great extent as i wasnt aware of exactly what it was all about or what it could eventually lead to, after 2 biopsys and being monitered on a 3 monthly basis for 3 years i was eventually given the all clear to walk with no further returns to hospital required.

on getting the all clear i asked the doctor if the patch was just a stain related to me smoking and drinking to which he replied no its the really early stages of oral cancer, now nothing was explained to me in technical terms at the time and i dont know if that was due to me only being 25 years old then, but with me trawling the net and sites like this and other oral cancer sites what i have in my mouth to me looks like homogenous leukoplakia.

now that was in oct 2004 when i got the all clear but since then i have still had the odd cigarette and drink session with my friends but maybe only once a week and this is where my problems start again.

ive always been scared of the dentist and after getting the all clear at the hospital never returned to the dentist but ive kept my teeth as clean and healthy as possible over the last 3 years and only recently thought that maybe the lesion has spread slightly, so in may this year i quit cigarettes and alcohol COMPLETELY, in hope that the leukoplakia would clear up, 3 months after stopping the occassional drink and cigarette routine i got a sore throat ( when i swallowed ) which i thought would dissapear, as everyone had it at the time, so instead of going to the doctors for penicillin or anti-biotics in the first few weeks i left it and started to trawl the internet for 8 weeks looking at all the worst case scenarios and self diagnosing myself that something had spread from my mouth to my throat before deciding to visit my doctor eventually !!
doctor prescribed me anti biotics which took the sore throat away after afew weeks but he didnt seem too bothered about my mouth and said my throat looked fine , but i had read that doctors dont really know too much about mouths so decided to visit my dentist and get registered again and get looked at.

told dentist my full story and my new dentist said it looked fine, he got the original dentist who looked at it 6 years ago to look at it who said from memory that it didnt look to have changed too much but would refer me back to maxillo on the basis of me being concerned, all teeth are in great condition and when i visited hygenist for scale and polish on thursday she also said that it looks like homogenous leukoplakia but looked fine and smooth with no bumps or red patches etc etc and told me to relax a little as thats 3 professionals looked at it and dont seem too alarmed.
i dont know whether to take comfort from this or not as im 100% sure it would have to be biopsied again and looked at under the microscope as its the only way to tell what the state of this is.

i have been off my work now for 4 weeks with worry and have another 4 weeks to go before my first hospital appointment again and have been put on diazepam tablets to keep me a bit more calm as ive got myself into an awful mess and now have my poor mum and dad woried too.

thats where the wimp part comes in to this, i havent even been diagnosed with anything whatsoever, only in my own mind, and im mentally in a mess and everyone keeps telling me to get my chin up and think positive
and when i read some of the stories from yous people in here it breaks my heart and also to see how strong yous all are is amazing.

i also have a 8 year old daughter and the thought of her seeing me if i had to endure any of the terrible procedures most of yous have had to go through also turns me to a nervous wreck, any time i think about her i end up with tears rolling down my face, what a state to be in for a physically fit 31 year old man !

theres days when i think i still feel something not right in my throat but my mum says it could just be nerves, then theres days when it feels absolutely fine, and its on those days when i feel that i want to just phone the hospital and cancel the appointment, get back to my work and TRY and forget that the last 3 months had ever happened. i dont know if my imagination is running wild and there is or isnt anything wrong in my throat area.

it looks like the leukoplakia is getting lighter and lighter in appearance since stopping the alcohol and cigarettes to be honest, but its such a catch 22 situation, i am so scared to have to be going back to the hospital and going through the biopsys and the worrying wait for results and really dont want to go, but if i just left it and there is something wrong well thats just plain selfish of me when i have a loving family and beautiful daughter to think about.

i should have stopped the smoking and drinking 3 years ago on the all clear but i guess being young you think your missing something when all your friends are out and you think you are invincible, but i can asure you if all is o.k this time i will never have another drink of alcohol again never mind a cigarette, that might sound crazy to never have another drink but im sure its lead to me being in this situation, cant imagine how people who never drink or smoked must feel who end up with this terrible disease. i wish i could go back and never have started such a filthy habit, tho i seen a full on debate about smoking on these boards but thats how i now feel.

being in this state and not even having being diagnosed with anything wrong with me, i dread to think what i would be like if there was some thing up, thats how i feel so out of control and in a mess.

i have looked on at this site from the back now for 8 or 9 weeks and every time im here i end up with tears streaming down my face, i hope yous all stay as strong as yous show, i just couldnt hold back any longer and had to post how i am feeling, although there isnt actually anything up yet, thats why i feel like such a wimp when i see what yous people have been through.

sorry for rambling

Derek