Dee & Packer,

You are both amazing. With everything you have been through and you're still going strong. I wish I had your strength. It hasn't even been a year yet for Heather and I get so angry sometimes when I see posts from people that had stage IV tumors and are now in remission and doing fine. I wonder why can't that be the case for Heather? Why is she having such a hard time? What did she do to deserve this?

Then I read the posts like this one with people complaining about dry mouth and other issues. I applaud Brian's comments, then I feel bad when I read bookaren's reply. Yes, I wish Heather only had these issues to deal with, but that doesn't minimize the issue for these other people. For bookaren and digtexas and others, dry mouth is a major issue and one not to be taken lightly.

I yo-yo back and forth between feeling angry because they are complaining about "trivial" issues while Heather and Packer and others are still fighting for their lives and then feeling ashamed because I would be willing to trade one of their lives for Heather's in a New York minute without even caring what the loss of their life would mean to their families.

Then I read about Packer's latest ordeal and I think things could be worse. Yes, Heather is still in a lot of pain and has a plethora of problems and her chances of beating this are about a million to one, but at least she was able to come home from the hospital. She does have a good day occasionally. Once in awhile, we can still get a smile from her. And she probably won't have to endure this torment for 5 years. I predict if we don't get a "miracle" within a few months, her suffering will be over. I truly don't think her body can take much more. And I don't think her spirit can either.

Packer, I'm sometimes not sure if I admire you for persevering as long as you have or if I pity you for having to endure yet another surgery. I'm not sure I would want Heather to have to fight this for 5 years. Maybe if there was a realistic hope that she could ultimately overcome it, I would. But to fight that long and maybe lose the battle anyway.......I just don't know if it's worth it. Not when she's in pain much of the time. She can't eat, can't talk, can't walk without help, can't use her arms hardly at all, can't go to the bathroom without help. Is this really living? It might be existing, but it's not living. There is no enjoyment in her life. I can't even get her to sit outside and get a little fresh air. She barely even smiles at her daughter anymore. She's sick after every chemo. She barely has time to start feeling better before it's time for another chemo and she's sick all over again.

Sorry for blathering on and on. I get to rambling and don't know when to stop. I'm sure I've offended more than one person. I actually almost deleted this a couple times, but decided not to. Maybe it might help one person deal with their own demons. And maybe not. It doesn't really matter. I needed to vent and I did. Take it or leave it. Be angry, be sad, be thankful, just be.

Rosie