Okay, this is going to be a long one. If you don't feel like reading it, that's okay. It's not about cancer so much as it is about who I am. I really would not expect strangers to be interested. But I realized that you guys aren't really strangers at all. From the first day on this site, I have felt really embraced by everyone. I guess that somehow, we are all related in this disfuctional family that is called cancer.

Here goes:

I was born to a Mother that was 16 years old. With the help of her parents, she realized that she was too young to care for a child. Then I was adopted into a wonderful family. The people who adopted me are my parents. I will always refer to them as my parents, because they are. Their names were Pete and Elaine. They were both 45 when they adopted me. They had 5 biological children, all boys. They wanted a girl, but were afraid of trying again. They figured they'd probably end up with another boy. Not that there is anything wrong with boys, but they needed some pink in thier lives. So they adopted a girl, who is my sister. We are not related by blood. A few years later, they decided that she really shouldn't be the only girl in this sea of testosterone, so they went to adopt another girl. That's where I came in. My childhood was a good one, but there were some serious hiccups along the way. When I was eight, my Mom died of lung cancer. She was sick a while before she died. I was pretty little and remember little of those days. One memory stands out. I was at a friend's Birthday party and my Mom came to pick me up. She was very ill at the time. She had a massive bloody nose and was holding a purple wash cloth to contain the bleeding. I was mortified. I was so embarrassed. I was 7. I didn't realize that the woman would be dead in a mater of months. Though I said nothing, I still feel just horrible about that. She didn't want to be that way. She didn't want to embarrass me. Heck, she was probably embarrassed enough for the both of us. I remember very vididly the conversation where my Dad told us she had died. He was so very distraught. This was his High School Sweetheart. He'd lost her. He was left with seven kids to finish raising, all alone. My Brothers were all older at the time. My youngest Brother, Chirs was 17. My oldest Brother was almost 30. But my Father was now soley responsible for my Sister, who was 12 and me, who was 8. After my Mom died, my Dad never slept in a bed again. He would sleep on a couch, he would sleep on the floor. Never, ever did he sleep in a bed again. He remarried quickly. Barely one year later he married a woman named Ruth. She was not prepared to come into to a ready made family such as ours. She was widowed by a husband who died at the home of his mistress. Ouch! She had no children of her own. She didn't have a clue about Mothering young girls. I am sure that my Dad remarried so quickly because he felf that he needed to have someone to Mother my sister and I. Ruth was an alcoholic. She was functional, but she was an alcoholic. She went to work and then came home and drank. My Dad was blind to this for a while. You see, he worked a job where he didn't get home until nearly 10:00 each night. She was in bed by then, sleeping it off. He did get wise to the situation later on, but by then he felt that he couldn't go. I do believe that he loved this woman, but it was never the same as the love that he had for my Mother. Though there were many challenges along the way, I loved Ruth too. When I was a mere seventeen years old, they retired. They moved to Wisconsin; to a city about 3 hours away. They put me up in an apartment. I was going to be eighteen in six weeks. Once shool was out, I could make my way on my own or I could move with them to Wisconsin. But I was 17. I didn't realize that it would be stupid to toss away all of those years of schooling just to have a bit of fun now that I had no grown up to make sure I actually got to school. I blew it. I didn't do anything fun. I stayed up late, doing God knows what. I slept late, missing all of my classes. I didn't graduate. I didn't really care all that much. My Dad was disappointed, but jeez. I know that I did the wrong thing, but he was the grown up. He shouldn't have left me here alone. I did eventually get a high school diploma, but not until just a few years ago. Please don't get me wrong, my Dad was an AWESOME guy. . He and I were very, very close. I truly believe that he did what he thought was best. You see, Ruth had lots of money. He didn't. He really thought that he must do what she said because she was his future. As a parent myselft, I can't imagine doing these things. I loved this man very much and I am really sure that he meant no harm. So off they went. They moved away. I needed a job or I needed to move to Minong, Wisconsin. I didn't want to move. I found a job. In 1994, Ruth died from liver failure. A direct result of her years of drinking. And then in 1995, my Dad died from a heart attack. He was all alone in his house in the woods. He called for an ambulance and then ran around the house pulling out all of his important stuff: titles and keys for cars, wedding rings, safety deposit box keys. And then he sat down in his recliner and died. I still get teary eyed just thinking about him being there all alone.

When I was eighteen and a half, I met Brad. Right from the start, I knew that he was "the one". He made me feel safe. We got married 2.5 years after we met. It was my 21st Birthday that we got married. He is 5 1/2 years older than I. We spent a year or so just having fun. Then we decided that maybe a baby would be in order. Turns out, that wasn't meant to be...at least not yet. We tried for many years to have a baby and nothing ever happened. I probably would have headed in for fertility treatments, but Brad was opposed to that. He was of the school where it would happen if it was God's will. I am sure that I could have talked him into it if I had tried harder, but it didn't come to that. In October of 2000, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a real shock. We were so thrilled. I had some complications, but in June of 2001, Samantha was born. We had just celebrated our 11th Wedding Anniversary. We figured that this was a fluke. All of those years and nothing. We truly thought that this would be our one and only child. But again, we were wrong. When Samantha was only 9 months old, I found myself pregnant again. In December 2002, Kelsey was born. Our family was complete, that's what we thought. By this time, you would think that we'd have figured out where babies come from. But when Kelsey was 8 months old, I found myself again pregnant. Bradley was born on Mother's Day, 2004. I gave birth to 3 children in less than three years. Wow. What a change of lifestyle for us. We thought we'd never have kids. I had a very good job at Blue Cross Blue Shield when my first was born. I fully intended to go back to work. But when my maternity was over, I wasn't willing to be away from my baby. We were not financially prepared to have me stay home, but we worked it out. I returned to work about 18 months ago at another company and now work 2nd shift to minimize the child care situation.

After Kelsey was born, I had really started having thoughts about my Birth Mom. Though my parents always encouraged me to search out my bio family, I never really felt the urge. Until I had kids of my own. Once I held my babies in my arms, I realized that they were the only people in the whole wide world that I was related to by blood, or the only ones I knew anyway. Though I was interested in meeting my Birth Mom if she would go for it, I really would have been happy just to find out some health history information. I started the search in the Fall of 2003. She was located in the summer of 2004. There is no way I could have imagine that this would turn out they way it has. This woman has embraced me and my family right from the first meeting. She lives in Alabama but has traveled to see us several times. I have been to see her twice, once alone, and once with my girls. She is different from us, to say the least. We live the average lifestyle and sometimes struggle financially. Our house isn't spotless every minute of everyday. We work for other people. She is financially well off, owning her own business. She lives in a beautiful home, one that is always spic and span. She has been married and divorced three times and never had any other children. She admits to feeling a bit sad that she wouldn't ever have any Grandchildren. Now she has 3 of them. My finding her has changed both of us for the better. Before I searched for her, I worried about what I'd find. Was she in prision? Would she have job? Would she hit me up for money? Then it turned out that she was financially, WAY better off than us. I certainly wasn't after money, we have our own and get by just fine. But I can see where that might have scared someone in her position off. But it didn't, she is forever going to be a part of our lives. I know that my Brother Chris feels threatened by my relationship with her. He feels like I am disrespecting my parent's. But I don't feel that I am. I have not forgotten about them, nor will I. My Birth Mom has an important place in my life, but she isn't replacing anyone.

And now I have Cancer. It worries me a lot, even though I have been told that my outcome should be a good one. You just never know for sure, it's cancer after all. Cancer isn't something to take lightly. I know it is nonsense, but I can't shake the feeling that I have let so many people down. I waited so long to have my kids. The thought that I might leave them breaks my heart. I waited 35 years to find my Birth Mom. I know that it would about kill her if something happened to me. And Brad. I know he'd get by, he'd have to. I could never forgive myself if I left him to raise these kids alone. My Mom died when I was eight and I barely remember her. My kids are five, four and two. If I died, they'd surely never remember me.

As you can see here, all of my life experiences have brought me to the feelings that I have now. I guess that it is sort of interesting to see just how what you have been through affects so much in your life. The one thing I'd like to take away from my journey with cancer is this: I want to know that I am a better person than I was before. I want to know that I never take anything for granted again. If I want to do something, I am going to do it. And I want to never miss an opportunity to tell the people I love, just how much they mean to me. I guess that's more than one thing,isn't it?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it was long.

Amy