Deb, Sue and Paula....Hello, have missed you all so much, and have so much to catch up on...my biggest news? I will become a grandmother this month!!! New Friends, so nice to meet you
Aimlee,
I think this is the most wonderful idea, so glad that Brian is always on top of things, and so very receptive to others ideas and needs...wonderful leader! I wish I had found a way to come back sooner, truth is, it hurts like crazy. Forgive me, my head is all over the place and my thoughts scramble when I am anxious, when not anxious, I am just distracted. Before I forget, I just wanted to respond to your question early on regarding the anniversary of death....I was very close to my mom, best friends, was CG to her, which was my honor....her death nearly flattened me. I had such an awful time for months on end, and slowly I started to find myself again...life was moving along at a nice pace, was as near as normal as it could be and then her anniversary came....it totally knocked me down! The shock of how hard it hit me was unbelievable and I was a wreck for a few days, almost a week. My best, heartfelt advice to you and anyone else, is to give yourself the day off...meaning, just let your feelings be as they are. My mom and I always spent time at the beach, I went down to be near her and God, as I feel that the ocean is the closet place to heaven for me. It was overwhelming and I tried to run away from my pain, didn't get far. Finally, as I sat there on the beach the next day, it was as if my mom said to me (something she always told us), "Donna, Feelings are neither right, nor wrong, they just are." I still have bad days, moments when I suddenly feel so overwhelmed by missing her....and now especially as I look forward to becoming a grandmother, we would have had so much fun planning on being great grandmother and grandmother together....and who knows maybe my Nana would still be here(lost her on Aug 18th, still broken-hearted, she and i were very close also)...we could have been three generations of grandmothers together.... Life throws fast, hard, curve balls--I used to try to catch them, now I have learned that for me, it"s best to lean out of the line of fire...
Just want to tell you all, I am so proud of you...I don't know some of you, but then again....maybe I do....your selfless hearts are gifts, they are where they are supposed to be, and react how they are supposed to, because that is how they feel... Life goes on, we just try to hang up our Super CG uniforms, and leave them behind...I kept going back, putting on my uniform and sitting down and reviewing everything we did, and what we didn't do...and maybe what we should have done...I'd like to say don't go there, but "there" was the only way I let myself off the hook. You give it your all and sometimes you feel like it wasn't enough...it is/was... As for me, I'm so hung up on the day that I told my mom, "Mom, if you ever wanted to check out, now would be the time, this is no way of living...I love you so much, and I want to tell you now, as your greatest cheerleader, that I am ok if you want to leave and go on to your next journey..." her eyes widened, and i said I loved her enough to let her go....my mom beat the cancer, was 4+ yrs out, had been cancer free since 9/07....she had a massive stroke and heart attacks, she would be bed ridden, and the part that made me more mad than anything else was the stroke was on the side that took away her voice!! That crushed me. I pray each day that she forgives me for telling her that I was ok with her leaving, what a hurtful thing to say....in truth I said it out of love...but love doesn't make it sound any prettier.
wow!!! apparently i am still a train wreck....sitting here at my desk, tears in my eyes and overwhelmed...my mom died on May 4, 2011....I do so well and BAM!! I'm in tears,,,,ok Donna, take your own advice above.
Love and Peace to you all....
