In my 8 months as a caregiver i found my one overiding thought used to be "i wonder how he feels?".I found being robins carer and advocate was easy in terms of practical matters as i was a qualified nurse and it was my area of expertise.I just immersed myself in facts and information as i felt the more knowledge i had the easier it would be.
This is in fact a double edged sword as knowledge is power but it is also the cause of much distress and heartbreak.Doctors words are interpreted and understood with all their ramifications and it was difficult sometimes to sugar coat the truth when robin asked,and also difficult to hold the truth when he didn't.
The hard part is the previously unseen emotions that cancer brings with it,and how to deal with them.Nobody but the person with cancer knows how it feels to be given the news you have the disease,no matter how hard we carers try to stand in your shoes ,we can't..We try so very hard but it doesn't work,and we have to deal with the "its not your cancer its mine" scenario,which can end up being destructive and frustrating.Becoming the target of aggression anger, frustration, fear, rejection, withdrawal,submission,confrontation,desperation,failure,and despair.

For the carer left behind,these feelings unfortunately continue long after they are left alone and are added to by the what ifs and why's.For the lucky survivors they may recede to be replaced by anxiety and fear of return, frustration at the the slowness of recovery,and the abilities and appearence that may never return.

Who can say which is worst?.who's journey is harder who's feelings more or less important?Its a minefield,and we all have to find our way through it with the least amount of damage.

OCF is a bit like the soldiers who diffuse those mines,and we march on hoping we don't step on one.