Liza

So sorry to hear the bad news about the cancer coming back. My wife and I were in total shock when mine came back and even my ENT surgeon teared up as she described the salvage surgery and exceeding the maximum radiation. Words can't describe how it feels to be told the cancer is back and feeling sad and depressed is normal. In fact you would have to be some psychotic Pollyanna (just my outrageous opinion) or a fracking Saint to accept this right off the bat.
I neither am nor was either one, but luckily we don't have to have immediate peace. Surprisingly enough, LIFE will bring you there although nowhere as fast or straight as you would like.
Sometimes I consider quitting posting on OCF because I feel like if I was a newbie and read about just how badly this has all turned out for me despite being HPV+ and having a top notch CCC, I'd worry. But then I see a post from someone who has been told this terrible terrible news. The fear that each and every OCF patient and caregiver has deep in their hearts: the cancer is back again; has turned into bitter reality. But only someone who has survived and thrived can reassure that it can be done. I did it, you will do.
Trust me, there is life after cancer coming back. It's a good life, not the optimal one. It's not a paradise, but it's not hell either. It's just life. You do have the courage already inside you, but just like the Cowardly Lion character in the Wizard of Oz, you don't realize it yet.
I can't eat, I can't drink, my speech is impaired, yet I would not trade my life for anyone else's. Why ?: because you can't trade your life. The key to moving on is to stay focused on the NOW not fantasy. Do the TX, the surgery, the radiation, the chemo. Then recover. Give yourself permission to truly mourn the life that is no longer yours, but open up to the life that you will have. Read the Book of Job in the Bible. Read "Why Bad things happen to good people". Or for a more pratical approach, read the American Cancer Society pages
When your Cancer comes back
Last but not least, EAT, DRINK and BE MERRY now. Heck I still put wine down my feeding tube. It's just the Catholic in me but God does have a plan for us all, we just can't see it clearly here (although that plan does include wine, see the first miracle: the wedding at Cana) Seriously, when this is all over, I'll bet you can eat and drink but just have some scars and speech therapy. Is it easy to accept this? NO. But does it get better with time. YES
Best Wishes
Charm