Thank you Christine for replying and for being direct with me.

I suppose I am in denial. I have even minimized the details with my family. Being out of commission from work for more than two weeks, I will lose my job meaning my family will have to go bankrupt. I am paying cobra insurance, $500 per month, which means I will lose health insurance coverage as well because I won't be able to afford that payment without working.

I know the right thing to do is to follow what the professionals want to do. I will go to a cancer center as you advised, but suspect they will have the same recommendations.

If I didn't have a daughter and loving wife and parents, I would have definately taken the easy way out by now. I guess I am not strong anymore, just as things were going good after years of struggle...and now with what lies ahead, it is very hard to find the will power to continue on. I am not suicidal...I would never do that to my loved ones, but I just don't know how myself and my family can cope with this. It is not the vanity part that I am concerned with. If we were financially stable, I would have no reservations at all, I would be at peace, but that is not reality right now....my biggest fear is that my family will be burdened.

I realize most on this forum have gone through the same or much worse, and I apologize for whining about it. Trying to stay alive is the most important part of all this. I just need to come to terms with that.

Thanks Christine for setting me straight.

HGT