Hi all..thank u so much for thinking of me.

tomorrow will make a week since her death. last week was a whilrwind of just going through the motions, it felt like it was only a day.

these past 2 days have been the hardest for me, since all the activity with visitors has died down and i find myself alone. i talk to her all the time and ask for her to come to me..i just want to feel her presence but i have not. i pray every night i can at least dream about her but i havent. i keep telling her i dont even care if shes a scary looking ghost, i just want to see her.

my work has been so great, they have told me to take 2 weeks (last week and this week). ive been at home and just cant seem to do anything. i have lots i could be doing in the nursery but i cant stop crying - everything reminds me of her. i know if she could, she would tell me to stop being 'foolish'.I just cant stop crying..I keep thinking about how she died and how
scared she must have been. It was such a violent death. I keep
envisioning her lying the bathroom and jsut bleeding out and I can see the look in her eyes frown I know she was so scared. I wonder if she was able to say anything to my stepdad or if she thought of me. I think this is mostly why I am so sad, not entirely for my loss, but because of how she had to die. It was not peaceful at all..I cant think of a
worse thing to happen to her. I think passing slowly in hospice would
have been better than this, at least we could have all had some time
with her and we could have kissed her and held on to her.
I think sometimes Im just waiting for this to be over and Ill be able
to go see her at her house. I wish that I could feel her presence with me but I havent. Derek says its because Im looking for it. Every night
I pray that I will dream about her and she will talk to me and shell tell me that we'll be together again. That scares me a lot..that after death there is nothing and I wont see her again.


does anyone else ever feel the presence of a loved one that has died?


my mom, age 59.

12/08 surgery & 33x rad
4/09 recurrence
5/09 surgery & 35x rad
12/09 recurrence
1/10 surgery. peg tube, trach, fibula free flap
6/10 recurrence. double chemo treatments.
8/10/10 finally at peace in heaven