Hi Wendy,
Wow. When I read your post I stopped half way through and got my husband to come and listen. By the time I was done reading we were both in tears. My husband said, "I feel so guilty." I understand what he means because we have lost several friends to cancer since going through treatment. No one knows why things happen the way they do, but please know that you will now be in our thoughts and prayers daily.
I wish that we could reach out and truly touch each other as we go through these things. I think the only people who can even remotely understand are the people who have lived it. As the caregiver I know how hard it is to watch our husbands suffer. The 5 months of tx were awful, as you say. There were many times that I would plaster on the smile and go about the day, but in the privacy of my shower is where I would cry. I had not yet found this site so I was going it alone. It was beyond comprehension, but all my friends disappeared. I was taking care of my husband, my 86 year old mom that had moved in with us the year before his dx, and 3 children that we had adopted 2 years before dx. I had my hands full and had to keep the house and finances going too, like you say. I thought I would never survive it, but I did and God sent people our direction who are now our friends. Some of our old friends came back around, but mostly our friends are new. I am wondering if the same thing has happened to you? Do you have a support system in place? If so, the list idea is a great one. Write down the things that need to be done and when folks ask, hand them the list. If you are on FB, put your needs on there if your friend base are close friends.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad your therapist directed you to us. I found this site toward the end of Kevin's tx. I was just about to lose my mind. He was just getting so bad and I didn't know what to do. I joined these forums and, like you, got immediate responses with true heart felt love and concern and understanding. I was not alone anymore. I knew what to expect a little better and could relax.
I pray that the next trial will bring some relief and comfort, but you will know when Jim has had enough. Don't be afraid to have frank conversations with him at that point. Let him feel some power and control over his situation. I'm so glad that you have a wonderful therapist. At least you have that physically present support person to lean on and confide in.
I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. I'm sure that some days are better than others and I pray that on those good days you can create some more wonderful memories with Jim. The game will be awesome.
I have a son in law and a nephew in Afganistan, so I know that has to be weighing heavily too. You are a remarkable woman. You are an inspiration to me. I am so impressed that you took your therapists advice and popped in on us and let us into your very personal and intimate space. We are here to stay!! Please know that these forums are watched very closely. You will be on our watch lists and we will see your posts pretty quickly. Like Charm said...scream, cry, yell, curse, praise, and know you are being heard.
Much love,
Kathy