Happy New Year to Everyone! My hope is that you each were blessed with special times together with those you love! I am ever thankful for the time that Jerry and I were able to spend together with our little family � two kids, two doggies! It was a bit different Christmas �missed the grammas and siblings and little ones, but have so much to be thankful for!

Last week we started the �planning� for phase two � the chemo-radiation. This site has been a huge source of support and knowledge to help me to best prepare for caring for my husband. I have to confess, however, there are some posts I read that simply scare the crap out of me! No one really knows how they will respond to the treatment. And of course I am praying that Jerry will �weather� it as best anyone can! He is willing to suffer whatever short-term misery he must to assure this disease never comes back again, however, it�s the long-term quality of life impacts that scare him the most.
The original RO at our initial consultation stated that dependent on his response to the induction chemo and the fact he had never smoked, they may be able to consider a lightened dose and perhaps only target the affected side of his neck, not both sides. Jerry�s response to the induction chemo was awesome! In fact, looking at the CT done this past week to prepare for design, there is no sign of any tumor life left! Again, feeling very blessed. However, the new RO still wants to the throw the kitchen sink at it � not sure what �it� is since nothing is there. I assume they want to �blast� the former tumor beds and the nodes and who knows. Seems reasonable and probably right � and yes, I am very ignorant! � but why the full dose of radiation? And what is that full dose? From the original consult, I recall varying levels of strengths � strongest at tumor (now tumor bed) and then two lowered levels of surrounding areas?

I am feeling so scared about this and reasonable ashamed that I am so scared! What a wussy I am! I�m just on the sidelines able to painlessly swallow and eat and� but I know I have to be strong for him; that I have to keep him swallowing and eating. I am hopeful that he will go through with the PEG. He keeps telling me he�s not going to do it yet nods in compliance when the doctors highly recommend he get one. I so so love my husband, but he can be a very stubborn man and I know he will test that on me. And I have to stand strong. There�s a part of me that understands how post cancer treatment couples sadly separate. I am so �tender� with him and afraid to get angry or mad at him because I feel so sorry for him, that well, I guess the caregiver can bottle it all up and then when it�s over be �I�m outta here!� needing to breathe. I may get some counseling myself because again, I love this man madly and want to remain strong for him, and want to be his informed advocate when he is faced with decisions regarding his treatment and care needs. Wow! See right now I am already feeling guilty because I have turned this on me and not him. And he is the victim here. He is the patient that is preparing to go into hell � again, and even harder. Cancer sucks! It took my dad and my brother and no way is it taking my husband!

So, why am I posting other than to vent? (thanks for allowing me to feel safe to do so!). I�m wondering if there are options to customize the radiation dosages and if anyone feels it worth me pushing the doctors to reconsider a more customized dosage plan? Worth asking, or is dosage pretty standard and that�s it? Also, Jerry badly wants to attend our daughter�s graduation from flight school. Please do not trivialize the desire of my husband to be there. Our daughter has wanted to be a pilot since she was 6 years still old! We�ve watched her and supported this dream for 18 years and now as she graduates from flight training we want to be there! Both of us! Based on the current �planned� treatment schedule he will be at the end of 18 radiation doses� Thoughts? (FYI, the MO is planning to lighten the Cisplatin). The MO feels Jerry is young enough and healthy enough that he will still be feeling pretty good at this time - especially with the lightened chemo component -- and feels we should pursue it! If Jerry does feel rotten then, well, obviously, he will not go. But the MO made a good point stating that wouldn�t you just hate yourself if you did not go and sat back in Denver feeling fine and wishing you were there! So, I am exploring airline tickets to get him to Texas but of course big price difference in fully-refundable vs. non. Just looking for feedback, thoughts, experiences.

Thank you everyone for your being so selfless with sharing your knowledge and thoughts, and your experience and advice. Do not remember how I found this site, but boy am I thankful I did! Hugs to all of you and wishes for healthy, happy days!!!!